Where are you Christmas?

I've lost my Christmas spirit this year.

Last year I wrote to Santa asking him for a baby, it was the only thing I asked him for, and still... I'm childless.

I've been listening to Christmas music in the car for weeks trying to get into the spirit.  Tonight I was pulling into the driveway when Faith Hill's Where are you Christmas came on and I started bawling.

IF has already stolen so much from me and now it's stealing my favourite time of year too.

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas 

Why can't I find you 

Why have you gone away 

Where is the laughter 

You used to bring me 

Why can't I hear music play 

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

Only I still can't feel Christmas.  Maybe it's just late this year?

Bahhh, Humbug!

Not so good

Today is one of those days.

It's been one of those days since since last Tuesday.

I was on vacation at the cottage with T&M and I had a FC appointment on Wednesday morning.  We decided to leave the cottage on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning as originally planned.  Let me revise that, I had originally planned to spend the whole week at the cottage but then my period came early and my FC appointments ended up smack dab in the middle of my vacation.  Almost as soon as the decision to leave was made I started bawling.

The vacation to the cottage was filled with so many emotions and they all came to the surface at the same time.

It was at that moment that I realized the irony of my situation.

I should not have to cut my vacation short to go to a fertility clinic.  I should have been spending the week at the place where I spent my childhood with my child.  I should have a child.

I should have been up there dipping their little feet in the lake.

Playing in the park. In the sand.

Instead I was trying to convince two grown women that the water was warm enough for swimming and then being stuck with needles and violated by ultrasound wands.

Since then my emotions have been simmering just under the surface.  Under my mask.  A mask that's about to crack with the slightest pressure.

While I was on vacation, my work instituted an Employee Assistance Program.  Good timing, I think I am going to need this very soon.

And... we're done

See? I knew that happy feeling wouldn't last long.

Three weeks ago (three weeks already!!) D went to see our GP about a red spot above his belly button that was very tender and hard, like a penny under his skin. She took one look at him and sent him right to emergency to be seen by the surgeon. It was an abscess/fistula that needed to be drained. The procedure of draining it was very traumatic. A little local anesthetic, and a slice. The Dr. didn't even give him any pain medication for after the anesthetic wore off. Luckily my sister had some percocet left over that my mom brought over to us.

That first weekend was rough. The surgeon didn't put a big enough bandage on the wound and the first night D bled all over him self and the bed. F#$&ing surgeon, can't properly dress a wound and wasn't concerned with his comfort at all! The next day we went to the hospital again, this time to the Community Care Access Center Ambulatory Clinic to have the dressing changed. The nurses there are very nice.

"Is that all they put on there?" Was her reaction to seeing the amount of gauze the surgeon put over the incision.

Every day D has to go back to the clinic to get the dressings changed. Inside the incision is a strip of gauze that they call a "wick", just like a candle. It is used to keep the incision from healing and to promote drainage of the fistula.

Over the last three weeks there have been some ups and downs, and last week we honestly thought things were starting to look up. He was off the antibiotics, it was draining less, the nurses were even talking about having him come in every other day instead of every day. However, this weekend D took a turn for the worse. He started having a lot of pain on his right side, where his inflammation is and the wound started draining A LOT.

Even the big pads the nurses put on haven't been able to contain it the last couple nights. Yesterday D called his specialist to see if he should be back on more antibiotics, but he wasn't in until today. This morning when he went to the clinic, the nurse thought that perhaps he should be on IV antibiotics. That would require him being admitted to the hospital. I really hope that it doesn't come to that, because he would be really upset if he had to miss a bunch of work. That would upset him more than actually being sick.

** Updated** D does not have to be on IV antiboitics. However, he will be back on pill form antibiotics for the next month.

Sunshine and Rainbows

I'm not exactly sure what has got into me the last few days; maybe it is the weather, maybe the long weekend, maybe it's the donuts that were brought into the office, I don't know. But whatever it is, it is fantastic! I am so happy. I noticed it yesterday at lunch. I went to Tim Hortons for some soup because I didn't have any left at work and as I was standing in line I couldn't help but smile. I was smiling at the little old men that probably go there every day for coffee, and at the way the sun hit the maple trees blowing in the wind. I was happy and content. I felt muscles in my face relax that I didn't even know were tense. It was wonderful.

I am well aware of how fleeting these moments of true happiness are, so I am savouring every second of it.