Wow, a whole 7 days without spotting.
Just long enough for me to get my hopes up that it had stopped for good. But no.
I guess it 's a good thing I still have that ultrasound on the 30th.
Even though I know how slim our chances were this month... what with only trying once between when the spotting stopped and when I ovulated - and that was the day I ovulated... it's still deflating to see the spotting. I didn't really realize how high my hopes were until they were dashed.
If I'm truly honest with myself, I still have a spark of hope. It's not over till it's over.
And if my logical side is truly honest with myself, it never really started.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
You Have Two New Messages
Every day for the last 2 weeks I have come home from work and checked my phone to see if the fertility clinic has called me for my initial appointment. Of course, the one night I didn't was the day they called. I got the call on Monday, but didn't get the message until Tuesday after work. I was a little disappointed in that the message only said "Hi, this is Dr. M's office, please call to set up your initial consultation." So I had to wait an entire day (well, evening and overnight) until their office opened again this morning before I could find out what day my appointment was. It nearly killed me.
My appointment is May 13th. Two months from now.
More waiting.
Story of my life.
It could be worse though, I have heard horror stories about people waiting close to 9 months to get into a clinic so I count my self lucky that it's only 2 months.
During these last two weeks of waiting I also have been in to see my GP again. I finally made the call to go see her again, only 6 days after seeing her for the blood work results, because my period had not stopped. By this time I was going on day 16! That's at least 12 days longer than the average woman's menstruation. But it was mostly spotting, I had been spotting since about day 8, and when I saw her on day 10, I figured it HAD to be almost done so I didn't bring it up.
Since January I have had more spotting, both before and after AF, than I ever have before. This month was a little different because it was accompanied by discomfort on my left side only. I normally get mega cramps with AF, but I noticed this month they were almost all on the left side. I thought it might be a cyst so I wanted to have it looked at.
My GP agreed that it could be a cyst and ordered an ultrasound. The ultrasound is on March 30th.
Waiting (the magic word).
Now, following Murphy's Law, the spotting stopped 2 days later. I still have little twinges on my left side so I think there is still something there, but maybe it will go away on it's own.
They do that sometimes... just to screw with you.
They also sometimes have hair or teeth in them... wouldn't that be freaky? To have a tooth growing on your ovary?
Brings a whole new meaning to "Don't worry, I don't bite..."
My appointment is May 13th. Two months from now.
More waiting.
Story of my life.
It could be worse though, I have heard horror stories about people waiting close to 9 months to get into a clinic so I count my self lucky that it's only 2 months.
During these last two weeks of waiting I also have been in to see my GP again. I finally made the call to go see her again, only 6 days after seeing her for the blood work results, because my period had not stopped. By this time I was going on day 16! That's at least 12 days longer than the average woman's menstruation. But it was mostly spotting, I had been spotting since about day 8, and when I saw her on day 10, I figured it HAD to be almost done so I didn't bring it up.
Since January I have had more spotting, both before and after AF, than I ever have before. This month was a little different because it was accompanied by discomfort on my left side only. I normally get mega cramps with AF, but I noticed this month they were almost all on the left side. I thought it might be a cyst so I wanted to have it looked at.
My GP agreed that it could be a cyst and ordered an ultrasound. The ultrasound is on March 30th.
Waiting (the magic word).
Now, following Murphy's Law, the spotting stopped 2 days later. I still have little twinges on my left side so I think there is still something there, but maybe it will go away on it's own.
They do that sometimes... just to screw with you.
They also sometimes have hair or teeth in them... wouldn't that be freaky? To have a tooth growing on your ovary?
Brings a whole new meaning to "Don't worry, I don't bite..."
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Yesterday
I went to the the Doctor's yesterday to talk to her about the tests she ordered a couple of weeks ago and to request a referral to a gynecologist or a fertility clinic. She had already sent a referral to a gynecologist for me last week, so she only went over my test results.
Everything looked fine except my progesterone was a little low. The normal range for a non-pregnant female at Mid-Luteal is 16.4 - 59.0. Mine was 10.2. She didn't really seem worried about that though. She said "it's not above the 16.4, but it is above 10, soooo...." What does that mean? It's not normal, but it's more than half-way to normal! I'm glad that I got the printed results, now I can take it to my naturalpath tomorrow and show them to her and maybe there is something she can do to help with the low progesterone.
The tests my family Doctor did were only a small portion of the tests that need to be done. And D has to be tested too. She said that the GYN would order the tests for him. I was trying to get an idea from her when I might expect an appointment with the GYN and she didn't really know. I got the feeling that she knew it was going to be a long wait, but didn't want to say anything. When I pushed, she did get me their phone number and also the phone number of Fertility Clinics that she could refer me to if I wanted. She suggested that I call some clinics and find one I wanted to work with then give her a call back and she would send the referral.
I still had a while before I had to be back at the office so I called the GYN to find out the status of my referral and to see if they had an idea of when my appointment would be. Ya, they hadn't even looked at my referral yet and probably wouldn't for another 3 weeks and my appointment likely wouldn't be until August. I was so upset when I heard that. I was next to tears all afternoon.
I spend some time researching the clinics that she gave me. Most of them were in Mississauga/Brampton/Burlington, and when going through treatments I will likely have to go in every morning for a couple weeks each cycle for monitoring so going to most of them would be difficult. But one of them has a satellite clinic in Milton; still 1/2 hr away, but doable. I called them this morning and they are booking for April! Much, much sooner than August! So my Dr. was going to fax the referral right away.
So that's were we are right now, waiting to find out when that appointment is. It will probably still be a little while after that initial appointment before we can start any treatments, but I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.
Everything looked fine except my progesterone was a little low. The normal range for a non-pregnant female at Mid-Luteal is 16.4 - 59.0. Mine was 10.2. She didn't really seem worried about that though. She said "it's not above the 16.4, but it is above 10, soooo...." What does that mean? It's not normal, but it's more than half-way to normal! I'm glad that I got the printed results, now I can take it to my naturalpath tomorrow and show them to her and maybe there is something she can do to help with the low progesterone.
The tests my family Doctor did were only a small portion of the tests that need to be done. And D has to be tested too. She said that the GYN would order the tests for him. I was trying to get an idea from her when I might expect an appointment with the GYN and she didn't really know. I got the feeling that she knew it was going to be a long wait, but didn't want to say anything. When I pushed, she did get me their phone number and also the phone number of Fertility Clinics that she could refer me to if I wanted. She suggested that I call some clinics and find one I wanted to work with then give her a call back and she would send the referral.
I still had a while before I had to be back at the office so I called the GYN to find out the status of my referral and to see if they had an idea of when my appointment would be. Ya, they hadn't even looked at my referral yet and probably wouldn't for another 3 weeks and my appointment likely wouldn't be until August. I was so upset when I heard that. I was next to tears all afternoon.
I spend some time researching the clinics that she gave me. Most of them were in Mississauga/Brampton/Burlington, and when going through treatments I will likely have to go in every morning for a couple weeks each cycle for monitoring so going to most of them would be difficult. But one of them has a satellite clinic in Milton; still 1/2 hr away, but doable. I called them this morning and they are booking for April! Much, much sooner than August! So my Dr. was going to fax the referral right away.
So that's were we are right now, waiting to find out when that appointment is. It will probably still be a little while after that initial appointment before we can start any treatments, but I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.
Monday, February 28, 2011
A year in review...
Over the last 12 months I probably could have wrote 3 identical posts over and over and over again about.... well... 12 times, and they would go something like this:
My Period started today. This month will be our month. It would be so perfect! because If I got pregnant this cycle I could announce my pregnance to my family at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. Then I could announce to everyone else in a really fun way at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. And my due date would be really close to H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. I just have to wait for Aunt Flo (AF) to be over and then we can get this party started!
I will probably ovulate (O) today or tomorrow. I have had lots of EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) and I can just tell that it's coming. We didn't BD (baby dance) as much as I would like this month because it's really hard to time things around when D is home for the weekend or because D wasn't feeling well. But the times that we did it, we had good timing and that's what matters. There are lot of people who only have sex once in their fertile window and get pregnant... hopefully that will happen to us as well.
AF is on her way. I have all the tell tale signs... bloating, cramping, sore breasts, irritability, headache, spotting. It's just a matter of time now before it starts. Damn! I really thought we had it this month. I have to stop getting my hopes up so high each month so that I don't have so far to fall when fucking AF shows up. Not only does she knock me down just by showing up, but she kicks me while I'm on the ground with her massive cramping and lasting forever! FUCK HER! She can go to hell. This sucks. Why me?
So that was the monthly roller coaster ride that I have been on for the last year.
I'm not sure what this year will bring for us, but hopefully there will be more to this monotony. Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment to get the fertility clinic ball rolling. I plan to write about my journey with the clinic in the hopes that anyone else going through the same thing will not feel as alone as I do. I will not mask any emotions here, even if they don't seem appropriate to anyone else, they are strong and what I feel at the time. For example: My 'cousin' (close family friend) announced that he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. I found out on New Years Eve. After-words, I bawled, changed in my PJ's and sulked the rest of the night away. Worst. New Years. Ever. I will try and be happy for those who get pregnant while I am still trying, but I will be sad for my self. And that's ok. But be warned, it won't be pretty.
My Period started today. This month will be our month. It would be so perfect! because If I got pregnant this cycle I could announce my pregnance to my family at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. Then I could announce to everyone else in a really fun way at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. And my due date would be really close to H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. I just have to wait for Aunt Flo (AF) to be over and then we can get this party started!
I will probably ovulate (O) today or tomorrow. I have had lots of EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) and I can just tell that it's coming. We didn't BD (baby dance) as much as I would like this month because it's really hard to time things around when D is home for the weekend or because D wasn't feeling well. But the times that we did it, we had good timing and that's what matters. There are lot of people who only have sex once in their fertile window and get pregnant... hopefully that will happen to us as well.
AF is on her way. I have all the tell tale signs... bloating, cramping, sore breasts, irritability, headache, spotting. It's just a matter of time now before it starts. Damn! I really thought we had it this month. I have to stop getting my hopes up so high each month so that I don't have so far to fall when fucking AF shows up. Not only does she knock me down just by showing up, but she kicks me while I'm on the ground with her massive cramping and lasting forever! FUCK HER! She can go to hell. This sucks. Why me?
So that was the monthly roller coaster ride that I have been on for the last year.
I'm not sure what this year will bring for us, but hopefully there will be more to this monotony. Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment to get the fertility clinic ball rolling. I plan to write about my journey with the clinic in the hopes that anyone else going through the same thing will not feel as alone as I do. I will not mask any emotions here, even if they don't seem appropriate to anyone else, they are strong and what I feel at the time. For example: My 'cousin' (close family friend) announced that he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. I found out on New Years Eve. After-words, I bawled, changed in my PJ's and sulked the rest of the night away. Worst. New Years. Ever. I will try and be happy for those who get pregnant while I am still trying, but I will be sad for my self. And that's ok. But be warned, it won't be pretty.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
My Christmas Wish
Dear Santa,
How are you? I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote to you, but I hope you understand. You see, I have grown up and there are so many children who need your attention at this time of year to make the season magical. Please believe me when I say that even though I have grown up and stopped writing, I have never stopped believing in you.
I no longer believe that you are a jolly fat man in a red suit who flies around the world on Christmas Eve delivering presents, but I still believe. There is a magic at Christmas time. Santa, you are that magic. There is a magic that makes parents go to great lengths just to make their children happy. During the World Wars, the fighting stopped on Christmas day! It takes a very powerful magic to stop war.
I am writing to you this year Santa, because I need a little bit of your Christmas magic this year. My husband and I have been trying for a long time now to have a child of our own, to share Christmas with, but so far we have been unsuccessful. All I want for Christmas this year is to be pregnant. I don't want anything else. Please Santa, can you fit Life in your sleigh this year?
Give my best to Mrs. Clause and the reindeer and I hope you will visit during your travels on the 24th.
Love,
Erin
How are you? I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote to you, but I hope you understand. You see, I have grown up and there are so many children who need your attention at this time of year to make the season magical. Please believe me when I say that even though I have grown up and stopped writing, I have never stopped believing in you.
I no longer believe that you are a jolly fat man in a red suit who flies around the world on Christmas Eve delivering presents, but I still believe. There is a magic at Christmas time. Santa, you are that magic. There is a magic that makes parents go to great lengths just to make their children happy. During the World Wars, the fighting stopped on Christmas day! It takes a very powerful magic to stop war.
I am writing to you this year Santa, because I need a little bit of your Christmas magic this year. My husband and I have been trying for a long time now to have a child of our own, to share Christmas with, but so far we have been unsuccessful. All I want for Christmas this year is to be pregnant. I don't want anything else. Please Santa, can you fit Life in your sleigh this year?
Give my best to Mrs. Clause and the reindeer and I hope you will visit during your travels on the 24th.
Love,
Erin
Monday, August 23, 2010
On to cycle 7...
I haven't been writing in the hope that I wouldn't over analyze every little twinge and temperature over the last 6 months of trying to conceive. However that's not working. I am still pouring over calendars and temp charts and wondering if that nauseous feeling i have is from overeating at the all you can eat sushi restaurant or because I am growing life. So far it has been the less exciting option every time. This month is no exception. Today I started spotting. I don't even have to use pregnancy tests, I can tell when the evil Aunt Flo is on her way well before any test would be accurate anyway.
I know it can take the average healthy couple up to 12 months to get pregnant, but I didn't think that would be us. Even accounting for the fact that D is not the average healthy male. I still didn't believe that we would ever see cycle 7.
Now I am just waiting for the physical pain of my monthly cycles to go along with my heartbreak and if one more person tells me that pregnancy will get rid of my menstrual cramps I will shoot them in the head.
I know it can take the average healthy couple up to 12 months to get pregnant, but I didn't think that would be us. Even accounting for the fact that D is not the average healthy male. I still didn't believe that we would ever see cycle 7.
Now I am just waiting for the physical pain of my monthly cycles to go along with my heartbreak and if one more person tells me that pregnancy will get rid of my menstrual cramps I will shoot them in the head.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Escape
I don't read.
Don't get me wrong, I can read... I just choose not to. I have never enjoyed it. Growing up, I was never good at it. It took me a long time to read a book, so when I did read it was always an assigned book for school, not something I was doing for pleasure.
I can still remember the first big adult novel I read as a 14yr old. I was camping with my Grandma and my cousin and just in case it rained, I took John Grisham's The Client. That was the first book I enjoyed reading, I even read it when it was sunny. After that, I would only read John Grisham novels, and it would take me months to finish one.
This habit continued until well into my university career. Actually, I had so much reading for school throughout University, that I didn't think about touching another novel until I graduated. That is, until the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone came out. I went to see it with my sister and my best friend. We bought tickets in advance to the theater in my hometown; it was one of the old school theaters with the little red folding seats that gradually inclined toward the back of the theater. The theater had even blocked off a section of seats for people who had bought advanced tickets with metallic Christmas garland.
We felt special.
The HP release was a big deal to my sister and I went because my mom was paying for my ticket, I hadn't seen J in years and she was going to come, and being in university I hadn't seen a new movie in forever.The movie was great, and the company was even better. It got me intrigued to find out how much different the movie was to the book. I borrowed the book from my sister and figured since it was a children's book I would be able to read it quickly and easily when I got back to my dorm. I was right, it was quick and easy, and good too! It was too quick and easy and good... I wanted to read the others in the series so I borrowed the next two from my roommate. I had them done before I went home again and then borrowed the 4th from my sister. I was hooked!
I couldn't help but think that if I'd had a series of books this good when I was growing up I might have taken an interest in reading. But then again maybe not. I mean we did have some good children's authors when I was growing up; Beverly Cleary and Grodon Korman to name a few. But there was something about Harry Potter that had me hooked - me and the rest of the world!
I didn't even recognize my self when I was the one who prompted my sister to pre-order 5th and 6th book. And I have no idea who the crazy person was who went to an event at midnight in downtown G-town where the stores all changed their name to ones from the series and stayed open late to celebrate the release of the 7th and final book, and who was super excited to know that she was only 3rd in line... who was that?? I believe I was possessed.
Since then my love for books has only grown. Every time I go home, I steal books that my family has finished reading. When I find an author who's books I like have a running character, I try to read in order them from the beginning even though the stories aren't necessarily dependent on each other. It has only been since D moved out that it has become an issue. That's when I was introduced to the Twilight Saga.
D and I went to see New Moon in theaters shortly after it came out. The theater was packed with teenie-boppers that drove me nuts. I didn't really pay that much attention to the movie because the kids behind us were talking and being really cruel to each other all through out the movie. At work the following Monday I told my co-worker that I had seen the movie, she is a HUGE fan and hadn't seen it yet. She wanted to talk all about it and compare it to the book, but I had no insights for her since I had not read it. She told me that I should, I would love it.
I borrowed Twilight from her, read it and returned it in less than a week. Then she lent me New Moon on a Thursday and I finished it on Saturday. On Sunday I decided I couldn't wait till Monday to get the next one from her so I went out and bought Eclipse for my self. I finished it Monday night and started on Breaking Dawn which I finished in a day or two. And so began my sudden and intense love affair with books.
Since then, I have re-read all four books plus the first half of the unfinished fifth book; Midnight Sun. For Christmas, my sister in-law gave me two books; Something Borrowed and Something Blue by Emily Giffin. I have since read both of those. Yesterday went online to see if the local bookstore had the next two books in stock and decided that this affair could get expensive. Instead, I went to the local library and borrowed them. I finished half of one last night and had to force myself to put it down at 1:30am so that I could get up for work this morning.
If you total all that up, that's 4 Twilight-saga books times two, plus two more; that's 10 books in 1 month. It may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, that's HUGE!
I don't even watch TV any more, I just come home and read. It's weird. I don't know who this person is that has taken over my body. Maybe it's just because my life is rather boring with out D at home so it feels better to delve into the life ofsomeone else for a while. I don't know. I like that it's a little more satisfying that watching something on TV, or even a movie, because I book can keep me captivated for a longer period of time which makes the time that D is away go by much faster.
I can't wait to go home...
and sit on the couch...
and read...
what's wrong with me???
Don't get me wrong, I can read... I just choose not to. I have never enjoyed it. Growing up, I was never good at it. It took me a long time to read a book, so when I did read it was always an assigned book for school, not something I was doing for pleasure.
I can still remember the first big adult novel I read as a 14yr old. I was camping with my Grandma and my cousin and just in case it rained, I took John Grisham's The Client. That was the first book I enjoyed reading, I even read it when it was sunny. After that, I would only read John Grisham novels, and it would take me months to finish one.
This habit continued until well into my university career. Actually, I had so much reading for school throughout University, that I didn't think about touching another novel until I graduated. That is, until the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone came out. I went to see it with my sister and my best friend. We bought tickets in advance to the theater in my hometown; it was one of the old school theaters with the little red folding seats that gradually inclined toward the back of the theater. The theater had even blocked off a section of seats for people who had bought advanced tickets with metallic Christmas garland.
We felt special.
The HP release was a big deal to my sister and I went because my mom was paying for my ticket, I hadn't seen J in years and she was going to come, and being in university I hadn't seen a new movie in forever.The movie was great, and the company was even better. It got me intrigued to find out how much different the movie was to the book. I borrowed the book from my sister and figured since it was a children's book I would be able to read it quickly and easily when I got back to my dorm. I was right, it was quick and easy, and good too! It was too quick and easy and good... I wanted to read the others in the series so I borrowed the next two from my roommate. I had them done before I went home again and then borrowed the 4th from my sister. I was hooked!
I couldn't help but think that if I'd had a series of books this good when I was growing up I might have taken an interest in reading. But then again maybe not. I mean we did have some good children's authors when I was growing up; Beverly Cleary and Grodon Korman to name a few. But there was something about Harry Potter that had me hooked - me and the rest of the world!
I didn't even recognize my self when I was the one who prompted my sister to pre-order 5th and 6th book. And I have no idea who the crazy person was who went to an event at midnight in downtown G-town where the stores all changed their name to ones from the series and stayed open late to celebrate the release of the 7th and final book, and who was super excited to know that she was only 3rd in line... who was that?? I believe I was possessed.
Since then my love for books has only grown. Every time I go home, I steal books that my family has finished reading. When I find an author who's books I like have a running character, I try to read in order them from the beginning even though the stories aren't necessarily dependent on each other. It has only been since D moved out that it has become an issue. That's when I was introduced to the Twilight Saga.
D and I went to see New Moon in theaters shortly after it came out. The theater was packed with teenie-boppers that drove me nuts. I didn't really pay that much attention to the movie because the kids behind us were talking and being really cruel to each other all through out the movie. At work the following Monday I told my co-worker that I had seen the movie, she is a HUGE fan and hadn't seen it yet. She wanted to talk all about it and compare it to the book, but I had no insights for her since I had not read it. She told me that I should, I would love it.
I borrowed Twilight from her, read it and returned it in less than a week. Then she lent me New Moon on a Thursday and I finished it on Saturday. On Sunday I decided I couldn't wait till Monday to get the next one from her so I went out and bought Eclipse for my self. I finished it Monday night and started on Breaking Dawn which I finished in a day or two. And so began my sudden and intense love affair with books.
Since then, I have re-read all four books plus the first half of the unfinished fifth book; Midnight Sun. For Christmas, my sister in-law gave me two books; Something Borrowed and Something Blue by Emily Giffin. I have since read both of those. Yesterday went online to see if the local bookstore had the next two books in stock and decided that this affair could get expensive. Instead, I went to the local library and borrowed them. I finished half of one last night and had to force myself to put it down at 1:30am so that I could get up for work this morning.
If you total all that up, that's 4 Twilight-saga books times two, plus two more; that's 10 books in 1 month. It may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, that's HUGE!
I don't even watch TV any more, I just come home and read. It's weird. I don't know who this person is that has taken over my body. Maybe it's just because my life is rather boring with out D at home so it feels better to delve into the life ofsomeone else for a while. I don't know. I like that it's a little more satisfying that watching something on TV, or even a movie, because I book can keep me captivated for a longer period of time which makes the time that D is away go by much faster.
I can't wait to go home...
and sit on the couch...
and read...
what's wrong with me???
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