Good things
should come
to good people
like you.
Dear T,
I want you to know how truly happy I am for you. I know how hard it was for you to tell me that you were expecting and it saddens me that having to do that put a damper on such exciting news. You should not feel anything but the happy anticipation that comes with being pregnant, not worrying how that news will effect me.
You have been so supportive this past year while I have struggled with my own fertility and it I don't think I could have got through it without your ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I hope you know that I will be there for you when you need me too.
I am looking forward to making your baby all sorts of handmade blankets and onsies and burp cloths. I look forward to helping you decorate the nursery and shopping for baby things and baking cupcakes for your baby shower. I'm still hoping that we will both be able to do these things together, but even if that doesn't work out, I am still excited to do them for you just the same. Maybe I'll end up with a bunch of hand-me-downs when it's finally my turn?
I love you and wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.
Not So Wise
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I knew this was coming
but it still hurt.
Not as much as I expected, but I still cried for close to an hour when I got home.
My very close friend T is pregnant.
I am not psychic, but I had a good feeling for her since before she started trying. I even told our friend M that I thought this would come easy for her. And it did. They were successful on their very first try.
Everyday T, M and I go for coffee at morning break. Everyday we all get a large flavoured coffee. The only exception to this rule is when they have Irish cream as the flavour, T hates that one. Then one day last week, T ordered milk. Milk on our coffee break. That was when I knew. Last week she ordered milk and yesterday she ordered yogurt. So when we went to the gym today after work, and we were packing up to go home, and she said "I have something to tell you...", I was able to finish her sentence with "you're pregnant!"
And then she told me she was sorry.
She should not feel sorry that something wonderful has happened in her life. She should feel nothing but happiness! And yet there she was, telling me she was sorry and crying about having to tell me her good news.
She has been very supportive through my journey so far and helped me through every rough patch and I love her to death. I think telling me was the hardest thing she has had to do so far. I feel terrible that her happy news made her cry as she told me. I was doing ok until she started crying! Even then, I didn't actually let one tear fall until I was out of her sight.
I told D on the weekend that I thought T was pregnant. I wanted to warn him that I would likely be upset - SO incredibly happy for her - but still sad for me and jealous. It's a very strange mix of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on. I have until tomorrow to get my happy face back on.
One spot of sunshine is that if our first medicated cycle is successful, we would be on mat leave together. That would be so awesome to go through pregnancy and mat leave together.
M is also trying to get pregnant. She has been trying off and on for about 6 mo now. There is a very real possibility that the three of us could be on mat leave at the same time. I think that just might force our boss into early retirement! He is already freaking out that we are all taking vacation at the same time... and that is only for 3 days! I just hope I'm not the last one of us to tell him... I don't want to be the one responsible for his heart attack!
Not as much as I expected, but I still cried for close to an hour when I got home.
My very close friend T is pregnant.
I am not psychic, but I had a good feeling for her since before she started trying. I even told our friend M that I thought this would come easy for her. And it did. They were successful on their very first try.
Everyday T, M and I go for coffee at morning break. Everyday we all get a large flavoured coffee. The only exception to this rule is when they have Irish cream as the flavour, T hates that one. Then one day last week, T ordered milk. Milk on our coffee break. That was when I knew. Last week she ordered milk and yesterday she ordered yogurt. So when we went to the gym today after work, and we were packing up to go home, and she said "I have something to tell you...", I was able to finish her sentence with "you're pregnant!"
And then she told me she was sorry.
She should not feel sorry that something wonderful has happened in her life. She should feel nothing but happiness! And yet there she was, telling me she was sorry and crying about having to tell me her good news.
She has been very supportive through my journey so far and helped me through every rough patch and I love her to death. I think telling me was the hardest thing she has had to do so far. I feel terrible that her happy news made her cry as she told me. I was doing ok until she started crying! Even then, I didn't actually let one tear fall until I was out of her sight.
I told D on the weekend that I thought T was pregnant. I wanted to warn him that I would likely be upset - SO incredibly happy for her - but still sad for me and jealous. It's a very strange mix of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on. I have until tomorrow to get my happy face back on.
One spot of sunshine is that if our first medicated cycle is successful, we would be on mat leave together. That would be so awesome to go through pregnancy and mat leave together.
M is also trying to get pregnant. She has been trying off and on for about 6 mo now. There is a very real possibility that the three of us could be on mat leave at the same time. I think that just might force our boss into early retirement! He is already freaking out that we are all taking vacation at the same time... and that is only for 3 days! I just hope I'm not the last one of us to tell him... I don't want to be the one responsible for his heart attack!
Monday, July 4, 2011
The results are in... (again)
Today we had an appointment with the Dr. to go over the results of the cycle monitoring and tests that were done last moth. This appointment was originally scheduled for August 8th but was moved up when there was a cancellation! I have been looking forward to this all weekend so naturally, this weekend went by sooooo slowly! Normally I love weekends that seem to last forever, but not this time.
He started the meeting off with the good news... D's swimmers look good. He didn't go into specifics, but did mention that his count was 38 million. He also said that my tubes were open, but that i have a heart shaped uterus. The heart shape may or may not have an effect on our fertility. The shape can make implantation more difficult and can be the cause of early miscarriages. The last thing he talked about was my ovulation. The good news is that I ovulate, but it's late. The long follicular phase can decrease fertility and increase miscarriages.
So what's the plan Stan?
Well, since the shape of the uterus may not have any effect, he is first going to treat the late ovulation. If that doesn't work within 3 months, he will do surgery to correct the heart shape and remove any possible endometriosis.
I currently ovulate around CD19 or 20, which is late, but not incredibly late. The drug he is prescribing is called Letrozole. I will begin taking it on the 3rd day of my next cycle for 5 days. This should make me ovulate between day 11 and 15. He also mentioned that this should correct some of the other hormone related issues that I have, like acne, which would be awesome!
A baby and no acne - heaven!!!
He started the meeting off with the good news... D's swimmers look good. He didn't go into specifics, but did mention that his count was 38 million. He also said that my tubes were open, but that i have a heart shaped uterus. The heart shape may or may not have an effect on our fertility. The shape can make implantation more difficult and can be the cause of early miscarriages. The last thing he talked about was my ovulation. The good news is that I ovulate, but it's late. The long follicular phase can decrease fertility and increase miscarriages.
So what's the plan Stan?
Well, since the shape of the uterus may not have any effect, he is first going to treat the late ovulation. If that doesn't work within 3 months, he will do surgery to correct the heart shape and remove any possible endometriosis.
I currently ovulate around CD19 or 20, which is late, but not incredibly late. The drug he is prescribing is called Letrozole. I will begin taking it on the 3rd day of my next cycle for 5 days. This should make me ovulate between day 11 and 15. He also mentioned that this should correct some of the other hormone related issues that I have, like acne, which would be awesome!
A baby and no acne - heaven!!!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Impressed
I had every intention of writing down every step of my IF journey for many reasons. First, it helps me sort through what is going on and gives me an outlet to vent and talk about it. Second, if there was someone I knew that was going through something similar I could direct them here and maybe they would know they are not alone. Alas, that didn't happen. That's not to say that this journey is over because it's not, not by far!!!
The pain I experienced in May tapered off the next day and eventually disappeared. I still do not know what caused it.
So what has been going on you ask?
I called in my CD1 on May 25 to schedule my CD3 blood work and U/S. CD3 also happened to be my friend T's wedding which I was baking 144 cupcakes for. Needless to say that was a busy day! They took soooooo much blood on that first visit. Something like 8 or 10 vials! The U/S took a little while, because they were establishing a baseline that all of the other ones would be measured against. They did both a regular pelvic and an internal U/S at this appointment, but it would be the only time I would need a full bladder. Awesome! I think that is the worst part of U/S's - having to fill your bladder and hold it FOREVER!!!
After that initial appointment, they only took a single vial of blood for the BW and did an internal US. These appointments were so incredibly quick! I was very impressed at how efficient they ran things. There were some mornings that I was in and out in 5 min! Initially they told me that I would go in every other day until I got close to O and at that point I would have to come in every day. I ended up going in on CD5, CD7, CD9, CD11, CD13, CD15, CD17 and CD20.
For the last 5 or 6 months I have O'd on or around CD19, so I expected them to tell me on CD17 to start to come in everyday. Instead they inform me that all of my follicles are still small but my BW shows that I am surging. They said that due to the surge combined with small follicles, I may or may not ovulate over the next 3 days but that either way, they didn't want to see me until Monday (CD20). On Monday they would know if I had ovulated or not. Then the following Monday (7DPO) would be my last appointment until I met with the Dr. on August 8th.
Because I chart my temperatures, I can see that it appears that I did, in fact, O on CD20 but I don't know what it means if all of my follicles were really small. Did I release an immature egg? Is it possible that I didn't ovulate but still had a temperature shift? Has this been happening all along? Is there a solution for this? Will clomid work? I guess I will have to wait to see the Dr. to find out the answers.
D also had a test to do and boy was that fun - ya, not really. Because he didn't want to take time off work to complete the test, we made the appointment for a Saturday. This meant that we would have to take the sample into the Mississauga clinic. The sample is only viable for 1 hour after it is collected and we live about 45 min from the Mississauga clinic. Or so we thought. Apparently when you account for taking ashort long cut, we live 1 hr away from the Mississauga clinic. The sample arrived at the lab about 10 min past when it should have. The lab tech said it would still be fine. I hope so, or next time he is going to have to find a really nice public washroom and a good magazine!
I was very much dreading this next month... more WAITING!!! This whole IF process is nothing if not a lesson in patience. I asked to be put on a cancellation list but didn't really think that we would get an earlier appointment. I was really hoping that we could at least get something 1 or 2 weeks earlier so that i wouldn't have to wait until the start of my NEXT cycle at the end of August to begin a treatment in September. September just sounded soooooo far away.
Out of the blue this afternoon I got a call from the clinic... they have had a cancellation and want to know if I want the appointment. I asked when it was and expected them to tell me it was for August 1st or something equally far away, but nope - it's for Monday!!!! as in,this Monday! meaning in 4 days! I confirmed with D that he could get the time off, and we are good to go! i have been in such a good mood after finding that out :) which is a really good thing because I have been pretty down since the weekend when we held a baby shower for my youngest cousing who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend. Can you feel the bitterness oozing out of that last sentence? That's a separate post altogether... back to happy!! I might get some answers on Monday!
I've never looked forward to the Monday after a long weekend before. It just feels so wrong!
The pain I experienced in May tapered off the next day and eventually disappeared. I still do not know what caused it.
So what has been going on you ask?
I called in my CD1 on May 25 to schedule my CD3 blood work and U/S. CD3 also happened to be my friend T's wedding which I was baking 144 cupcakes for. Needless to say that was a busy day! They took soooooo much blood on that first visit. Something like 8 or 10 vials! The U/S took a little while, because they were establishing a baseline that all of the other ones would be measured against. They did both a regular pelvic and an internal U/S at this appointment, but it would be the only time I would need a full bladder. Awesome! I think that is the worst part of U/S's - having to fill your bladder and hold it FOREVER!!!
After that initial appointment, they only took a single vial of blood for the BW and did an internal US. These appointments were so incredibly quick! I was very impressed at how efficient they ran things. There were some mornings that I was in and out in 5 min! Initially they told me that I would go in every other day until I got close to O and at that point I would have to come in every day. I ended up going in on CD5, CD7, CD9, CD11, CD13, CD15, CD17 and CD20.
For the last 5 or 6 months I have O'd on or around CD19, so I expected them to tell me on CD17 to start to come in everyday. Instead they inform me that all of my follicles are still small but my BW shows that I am surging. They said that due to the surge combined with small follicles, I may or may not ovulate over the next 3 days but that either way, they didn't want to see me until Monday (CD20). On Monday they would know if I had ovulated or not. Then the following Monday (7DPO) would be my last appointment until I met with the Dr. on August 8th.
Because I chart my temperatures, I can see that it appears that I did, in fact, O on CD20 but I don't know what it means if all of my follicles were really small. Did I release an immature egg? Is it possible that I didn't ovulate but still had a temperature shift? Has this been happening all along? Is there a solution for this? Will clomid work? I guess I will have to wait to see the Dr. to find out the answers.
D also had a test to do and boy was that fun - ya, not really. Because he didn't want to take time off work to complete the test, we made the appointment for a Saturday. This meant that we would have to take the sample into the Mississauga clinic. The sample is only viable for 1 hour after it is collected and we live about 45 min from the Mississauga clinic. Or so we thought. Apparently when you account for taking a
I was very much dreading this next month... more WAITING!!! This whole IF process is nothing if not a lesson in patience. I asked to be put on a cancellation list but didn't really think that we would get an earlier appointment. I was really hoping that we could at least get something 1 or 2 weeks earlier so that i wouldn't have to wait until the start of my NEXT cycle at the end of August to begin a treatment in September. September just sounded soooooo far away.
Out of the blue this afternoon I got a call from the clinic... they have had a cancellation and want to know if I want the appointment. I asked when it was and expected them to tell me it was for August 1st or something equally far away, but nope - it's for Monday!!!! as in,this Monday! meaning in 4 days! I confirmed with D that he could get the time off, and we are good to go! i have been in such a good mood after finding that out :) which is a really good thing because I have been pretty down since the weekend when we held a baby shower for my youngest cousing who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend. Can you feel the bitterness oozing out of that last sentence? That's a separate post altogether... back to happy!! I might get some answers on Monday!
I've never looked forward to the Monday after a long weekend before. It just feels so wrong!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A lot has been going on in the last few days and I don't really know what to make of it. It started Friday with my first FC consultation. I was a little impressed since we had been told that he is always running late that we only had to wait about 1/2 hour. He didn't really tell me anything I didn't know already, but it was a good anatomy lesson for D. He didn't do any tests that day because I answered the questions with "normal" answers. He ordered a SA for DH and told me to call in my CD1 to schedule my CD3 bloodwork and HSG.
When we got home, D suggested a quickie because I was still in my fertile window. That was the first time ever that sex was painful. I didn't think much of it, but then on Saturday my lower abdomen started to hurt when I moved. By saturday night I was in constant pain and considering the ER. I took a tylenol and a gravol and went to bed to see how I would do overnight. Sunday morning was a little worse so I called telehealth and they told me to go to a Dr within 4 hours so I went to the walk-in clinic because I didn't feel like spending my entire Sunday in the waiting room of the ER.
The Dr. at the clinic looked at my recent ultrasound results and pretty much just said "yep, you have endometriosis, and you will probably be in pain from time to time and you need to learn how to deal with it, do you want a script for pain meds?" I told her that I had just O'd on Thurs or Fri and wasn't comfortable taking prescription pain meds right now. "well, then there's not uch I can do. If it get suddenly worse or you develop a fever, go to the ER."
So that is exactly what I did on Monday, I called in sick and spent 8hrs in the ER and still wasn't any closer to answers. However, I was in more pain from all the poking around. The hospital did some bloodwork and a pap and ordered another ultrasound for Tuesday. My white bloodcell count was slightly high so they think I have an infection of some kind but they don't know what. The Dr. threw around that it could be Pelvic Inflammatory Disease but he was not willing to rule out appendicitis.
I had the ultrasound yesterday and I had to go back through the ER to get the results. It wasn't as busy, it only took 4 hours instead of 8, so that wasn't as bad... but They still could not determine what the pain is!!!! The only reason I'm not extremely pissed and going to yet another hospital for answers, is that I started to feel better yesterday. I'm in no way feeling normal, but better than Monday and hoping that this is a trend that will continue.
I feel about the same today as I did yesterday and I was able to go to work, but I just I didn't do too much, and I didn't go to any sites. I told my boss that if there was something that I had to do out at the buildings, I would have to have help from someone and he was happy with that.
If I feel the same tomorrow and haven't heard back from the FC, I will head to Hamilton on Friday and not leave without real answers.
When we got home, D suggested a quickie because I was still in my fertile window. That was the first time ever that sex was painful. I didn't think much of it, but then on Saturday my lower abdomen started to hurt when I moved. By saturday night I was in constant pain and considering the ER. I took a tylenol and a gravol and went to bed to see how I would do overnight. Sunday morning was a little worse so I called telehealth and they told me to go to a Dr within 4 hours so I went to the walk-in clinic because I didn't feel like spending my entire Sunday in the waiting room of the ER.
The Dr. at the clinic looked at my recent ultrasound results and pretty much just said "yep, you have endometriosis, and you will probably be in pain from time to time and you need to learn how to deal with it, do you want a script for pain meds?" I told her that I had just O'd on Thurs or Fri and wasn't comfortable taking prescription pain meds right now. "well, then there's not uch I can do. If it get suddenly worse or you develop a fever, go to the ER."
So that is exactly what I did on Monday, I called in sick and spent 8hrs in the ER and still wasn't any closer to answers. However, I was in more pain from all the poking around. The hospital did some bloodwork and a pap and ordered another ultrasound for Tuesday. My white bloodcell count was slightly high so they think I have an infection of some kind but they don't know what. The Dr. threw around that it could be Pelvic Inflammatory Disease but he was not willing to rule out appendicitis.
I had the ultrasound yesterday and I had to go back through the ER to get the results. It wasn't as busy, it only took 4 hours instead of 8, so that wasn't as bad... but They still could not determine what the pain is!!!! The only reason I'm not extremely pissed and going to yet another hospital for answers, is that I started to feel better yesterday. I'm in no way feeling normal, but better than Monday and hoping that this is a trend that will continue.
I feel about the same today as I did yesterday and I was able to go to work, but I just I didn't do too much, and I didn't go to any sites. I told my boss that if there was something that I had to do out at the buildings, I would have to have help from someone and he was happy with that.
If I feel the same tomorrow and haven't heard back from the FC, I will head to Hamilton on Friday and not leave without real answers.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The results are in...
Today was my appointment with Dr. F to review the results of my Surprise! ultrasound. They were almost what I expected, except I thought I'd have cysts on both ovaries since I have had pain on my left side recently. But my left side looks fine.
I have 2 cysts on my right ovary. One is a simple cyst, meaning that it is fluid filled. These are normal and usually develop during ovulation starting as follicles. Normally these will go away on their own.The other is a hemorrhagic cyst, beaning that it is blood filled. These would usually occur in women with endometriosis. I have suspected for years that I have endo so this doesn't surprise me.
I have a follow up ultrasound on May 4 so see if they have changed. I don't know what would happen next if they haven't changed. But my FC appointment is 1 week after that.
I have 2 cysts on my right ovary. One is a simple cyst, meaning that it is fluid filled. These are normal and usually develop during ovulation starting as follicles. Normally these will go away on their own.The other is a hemorrhagic cyst, beaning that it is blood filled. These would usually occur in women with endometriosis. I have suspected for years that I have endo so this doesn't surprise me.
I have a follow up ultrasound on May 4 so see if they have changed. I don't know what would happen next if they haven't changed. But my FC appointment is 1 week after that.
Dr. F also mentioned that my uterus is retroflexed. I had to wait until I got home tonight to find out what that means. Essentially it is a tilted uterus.
On their own, endometriosis or a tilted uterus may not interfere with fertility. However my Aunt had both and was never able to conceive. Now, treatments have advanced over the last 30 years so I am still hopeful, but doubtful that we can do this without intervention.
I am more frustrated than anything… I have had suspicions about endometriosis for years and have been worried that it would interfere with fertility when the time came… and no Dr had been willing to do anything or look into it until it actually did cause problems… even though I am obviously in pain every month, they didn’t seem to care about the pain, and just gave me drugs to deal with the symptoms, not treat the problem.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Surprise!
I had my ultrasound today. I still don't know anything, the technicians won't tell you anything so I have to wait to see my Dr. once she gets the report.
Today was also Yoga Day! Every Wednesday at lunch a woman from my work runs a yoga class at the gym. It's a great way to relax and forget all my worries even if it's only for 40 min once a week. I treasure this time and look forward to it each week. Right after Yoga I had to start drinking my 1L of water to prepare for the u/s.
It was torture.
Every time a took a big drink of water I would look at the bottle and wonder why there was still so much left! It was driving me nuts! It probably would have been easier if I had been even a little bit thirsty. I had to finish the 1L of water at least 1 hour before my appointment. I started to get really worried when after my first two drinks of water, I already had to pee... With about 2 minutes to go, I was trying to chug my water and type an email at the same time using one hand to hold the giant water bottle and the other to type.
Once at the lab, they were true to their word and didn't keep me waiting with an extremely uncomfortably full bladder too long. I was taken to a tiny change room, smaller than a clothing store change room, and told to take off my pants and underwear and put on the robe. I then went to the ultrasound room.
As I getting on the table, the tech casually mentions that it is their standard with all pelvic ultrasounds to also do a trans-vaginal ultrasound.
Yep.
"Oh, by the way, we are going to get real personal this afternoon..."
Surprise!
The pelvic ultrasound went by really quickly and painlessly. Even with her pushing on my very full bladder, it wasn't bad. Thankfully, they don't have to do the trans-vag with a full bladder so I was allowed to go to the washroom first.
"Now, the instrument" (Yes she called it the instrument) "only has to be inserted about *this* far. So don't be scared by how big it is"
Doesn't this sound like fun so far?
Then she lubes it up and asks me to insert it. Yes, because that will make this so much more comfortable, if you have me do that part. I mean, it's not like you will be moving it around inside me for the next 10 minutes.
It felt like it took forever. But when I got back in my car, I had only been in there for about 30 minutes all together including changing time and going to the washroom.
Hopefully my Doctor will call me soon with the results. She seemed to be taking a lot of images. I wonder if that is because there was something to there to take images of, or if they normally take that many.
Part of me wants there to be something there. Some sort of explanation that can be treated and dealt with.
I will keep you posted when I hear something.
Today was also Yoga Day! Every Wednesday at lunch a woman from my work runs a yoga class at the gym. It's a great way to relax and forget all my worries even if it's only for 40 min once a week. I treasure this time and look forward to it each week. Right after Yoga I had to start drinking my 1L of water to prepare for the u/s.
It was torture.
Every time a took a big drink of water I would look at the bottle and wonder why there was still so much left! It was driving me nuts! It probably would have been easier if I had been even a little bit thirsty. I had to finish the 1L of water at least 1 hour before my appointment. I started to get really worried when after my first two drinks of water, I already had to pee... With about 2 minutes to go, I was trying to chug my water and type an email at the same time using one hand to hold the giant water bottle and the other to type.
Once at the lab, they were true to their word and didn't keep me waiting with an extremely uncomfortably full bladder too long. I was taken to a tiny change room, smaller than a clothing store change room, and told to take off my pants and underwear and put on the robe. I then went to the ultrasound room.
As I getting on the table, the tech casually mentions that it is their standard with all pelvic ultrasounds to also do a trans-vaginal ultrasound.
Yep.
"Oh, by the way, we are going to get real personal this afternoon..."
Surprise!
The pelvic ultrasound went by really quickly and painlessly. Even with her pushing on my very full bladder, it wasn't bad. Thankfully, they don't have to do the trans-vag with a full bladder so I was allowed to go to the washroom first.
"Now, the instrument" (Yes she called it the instrument) "only has to be inserted about *this* far. So don't be scared by how big it is"
Doesn't this sound like fun so far?
Then she lubes it up and asks me to insert it. Yes, because that will make this so much more comfortable, if you have me do that part. I mean, it's not like you will be moving it around inside me for the next 10 minutes.
It felt like it took forever. But when I got back in my car, I had only been in there for about 30 minutes all together including changing time and going to the washroom.
Hopefully my Doctor will call me soon with the results. She seemed to be taking a lot of images. I wonder if that is because there was something to there to take images of, or if they normally take that many.
Part of me wants there to be something there. Some sort of explanation that can be treated and dealt with.
I will keep you posted when I hear something.
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