A peak inside the mind of a crazy person... a.k.a me

Am I pregnant yet??  When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??  Do you think I could be pregnant yet??   Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Is there any chance that I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? How long does the Ovidrel stay in my system so that I can test to find out if I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Do I have any symptoms of being pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??

Remind me.... what is that definition of insanity??


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.



Isn't that what I have been doing for the last 17 months?
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex... you get the idea.

The idea that I'm a crazy person?  Yep, you got it.

So tired

I am exhausted.

But happy.

On Thursday last week I went for my first monitoring appointment to see how things were progressing. They wanted me to come back on Saturday. On Saturday they wanted me to come back on Sunday... then Monday... then Tuesday... Today the said that I should book an appointment for Wednesday but I more than likely wouldn't need it; they would probably be calling me today to take the Ovidrel injection.

Waiting for that phone call was difficult. I was so tired today that I told D if they want me back tomorrow, he was going to have to drive me in because I was falling asleep at the wheel this morning.

Finally, they called me after lunch and told me I could do the injection this evening and then starting tonight "have intercourse for the next two to three days".

Yes, I was instructed to have sex.

Slightly humiliating. Like we weren't trying that step before...

When I got home from work, I had a nap! Then just before dinner I gathered all of my supplies and prepared myself for the injection. I was a little nervous, but the thought that this could be what I need to finally get pregnant got me through it.

It didn't hurt that much, a little pinch was all. It felt tender around the injection point for about half an hour or so and I had a small red bump. Now, 3 hours later, I have to look really hard to find the little red dot, the bump is gone and it's not tender any more.

Now I don't have to go back to the clinic for two weeks. That's when they want to do a pregnancy test.

Well, I'm off to bed now to do as I have been told; get busy!!

Blood, drugs and other nasty surprises

Fucking Aunt Flo found me on Wednesday last week.  Another cycle down and still no bean.  Almost to drive home the point that "No! you are not pregnant!", she arrived 3 days early.  I didn't even get to the point where I could wonder if we had a chance before it was suddenly there.  I say suddenly, but in actuality it came on pretty gradually; I was spotting for 3 days before her arrival - I was just choosing to ignore all the signs.  It's funny what infertility does to you... how many things you can be blind to.

As much as I hate it when AF comes to visit,  I welcomed her this month.  I welcomed her because this month I FINALLY get to start to do something that might actually increase our chances.  I finally get to do something!  In a situation that is so totally out of your hands it feels amazing to finally get to do something about it.

And her coming 3 days early?  That actually turned out to be perfect because it meant I could go to the clinic on Friday instead of the holiday Monday (I didn't even know if they were open on Monday) and going on Friday meant that I could go to the clinic I like.  Only the main clinic is open on the weekend, but I like the smaller satellite clinic that is closer to me.

On Friday I had my day 3 appointment.  It was at 7:10 am and it was an hour away and I needed to have a full bladder.  Good times.  I had my blood work done then had the pelvic u/s and then was finally allowed to go to the bathroom, and then I had the internal u/s.  My old friend the transvaginal wand, oh how I loathe thee.

After that I got to pick up my drugs!  Well almost, the pharmacy that they sent my script to didn't open until 9 am... grrr... If I had known that, I would have either a) had them send the script to a pharmacy in my town, or b) made my appointment later in the morning.  Now I was stuck waiting around for over an hour until they opened.  So I got a coffee and went to Walmart (it was the only store open before 9 am).

I got back to the pharmacy just after nine and picked up my drugs.  2.5mg Letrozol (Femara) once daily for five days; day 3 through 7.  I was also given another drug called Ovidrel.  I wasn't expecting this one.  The nurse mentioned something about something that needed to be refrigerated, but  I couldn't hear her properly on my cell, she also had a fairly thick accent, so the combination was brutal.  Anyway, Ovidrel is a shot of hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin), a hormone normally produced to initiate ovulation. A variant of hCG is also produced during pregnancy.  This is what ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and home pregnancy tests test for.

Ovidrel is an injection.

I was not prepared for this.  I'm nervous for when I have to take it.  Luckily that will be next week some time so for now I can put on those infertility blinders that I wear so often, and just not think about it for now.  I have to go in again next Thursday (CD9) to see how things are progressing.  They will give me instruction then on how and when to take the Ovidrel.

I'm on the second day of Femara right now and so far so good.  I'm not having many side effects, aside from a couple headaches, but those really can't be traced back to the Femara since I get headaches all the time anyway.

I am scared.  I am scared because my hopes are up too high this month.  The higher my hopes are, the harder I fall and I'm afraid of falling.  Luckily my cottage vacation will be there to soften the landing.  With it's sunny beaches and good friends and alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.

Just to top off my amazing week... my cousins girlfriend (ya that one he knocked up after a couple months of dating) gave birth to a little girl last night.  I know jelaosy is ugly, but so is infertility.  And I am sooooooo jealous, so what does that make me?  I don't care.  I know it's bad, but I was really hoping that they would have a boy.  If I couldn't have the first baby, I at least wanted to have the first girl, and they got that too.  This sucks!

And in other totally non baby related news... I bought myself an ereader yesterday!  I'm having so much fun with it and it will be awesome for the cottage when I am on vacation in a couple of weeks.  A vacation I was looking more forward to before T became pregnant... there I go with the jealousy again... it's too bad those infertility blinders didn't work for stuff like that!

Heartfelt Congratulations

Good things
should come
to good people
like you.

Dear T,

I want you to know how truly happy I am for you. I know how hard it was for you to tell me that you were expecting and it saddens me that having to do that put a damper on such exciting news. You should not feel anything but the happy anticipation that comes with being pregnant, not worrying how that news will effect me.

You have been so supportive this past year while I have struggled with my own fertility and it I don't think I could have got through it without your ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I hope you know that I will be there for you when you need me too.

I am looking forward to making your baby all sorts of handmade blankets and onsies and burp cloths.  I look forward to helping you decorate the nursery and shopping for baby things and baking cupcakes for your baby shower.  I'm still hoping that we will both be able to do these things together, but even if that doesn't work out, I am still excited to do them for you just the same.  Maybe I'll end up with a bunch of hand-me-downs when it's finally my turn?

I love you and wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.

Not So Wise

I knew this was coming

but it still hurt.

Not as much as I expected, but I still cried for close to an hour when I got home.

My very close friend T is pregnant.

I am not psychic, but I had a good feeling for her since before she started trying.  I even told our friend M that I thought this would come easy for her.  And it did. They were successful on their very first try.

Everyday T, M and I go for coffee at morning break.  Everyday we all get a large flavoured coffee.  The only exception to this rule is when they have Irish cream as the flavour, T hates that one.  Then one day last week, T ordered milk.  Milk on our coffee break.  That was when I knew.  Last week she ordered milk and yesterday she ordered yogurt.  So when we went to the gym today after work, and we were packing up to go home, and she said "I have something to tell you...", I was able to finish her sentence with "you're pregnant!"

And then she told me she was sorry.

She should not feel sorry that something wonderful has happened in her life.  She should feel nothing but happiness!  And yet there she was, telling me she was sorry and crying about having to tell me her good news.

She has been very supportive through my journey so far and helped me through every rough patch and I love her to death.  I think telling me was the hardest thing she has had to do so far.  I feel terrible that her happy news made her cry as she told me.  I was doing ok until she started crying!  Even then, I didn't actually let one tear fall until I was out of her sight.

I told D on the weekend that I thought T was pregnant.  I wanted to warn him that I would likely be upset - SO incredibly happy for her - but still sad for me and jealous.  It's a very strange mix of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on.  I have until tomorrow to get my happy face back on.

One spot of sunshine is that if our first medicated cycle is successful, we would be on mat leave together.  That would be so awesome to go through pregnancy and mat leave together.

M is also trying to get pregnant.  She has been trying off and on for about 6 mo now.  There is a very real possibility that the three of us could be on mat leave at the same time.  I think that just might force our boss into early retirement!  He is already freaking out that we are all taking vacation at the same time... and that is only for 3 days!  I just hope I'm not the last one of us to tell him...  I don't want to be the one responsible for his heart attack!

The results are in... (again)

Today we had an appointment with the Dr. to go over the results of the cycle monitoring and tests that were done last moth.  This appointment was originally scheduled for August 8th but was moved up when there was a cancellation!  I have been looking forward to this all weekend so naturally, this weekend went by sooooo slowly!  Normally I love weekends that seem to last forever, but not this time.

He started the meeting off with the good news... D's swimmers look good.  He didn't go into specifics, but did mention that his count was 38 million.  He also said that my tubes were open, but that i have a heart shaped uterus.  The heart shape may or may not have an effect on our fertility.  The shape can make implantation more difficult and can be the cause of early miscarriages.  The last thing he talked about was my ovulation.  The good news is that I ovulate, but it's late.  The long follicular phase can decrease fertility and increase miscarriages.

So what's the plan Stan?

Well, since the shape of the uterus may not have any effect, he is first going to treat the late ovulation.  If that doesn't work within 3 months, he will do surgery to correct the heart shape and remove any possible endometriosis.

I currently ovulate around CD19 or 20, which is late, but not incredibly late.  The drug he is prescribing is called Letrozole.   I will begin taking it on the 3rd day of my next cycle for 5 days.  This should make me ovulate between day 11 and 15.  He also mentioned that this should correct some of the other hormone related issues that I have, like acne, which would be awesome!

A baby and no acne - heaven!!!

Impressed

I had every intention of writing down every step of my IF journey for many reasons. First, it helps me sort through what is going on and gives me an outlet to vent and talk about it. Second, if there was someone I knew that was going through something similar I could direct them here and maybe they would know they are not alone. Alas, that didn't happen. That's not to say that this journey is over because it's not, not by far!!!

The pain I experienced in May tapered off the next day and eventually disappeared. I still do not know what caused it.

So what has been going on you ask?

I called in my CD1 on May 25 to schedule my CD3 blood work and U/S. CD3 also happened to be my friend T's wedding which I was baking 144 cupcakes for. Needless to say that was a busy day! They took soooooo much blood on that first visit. Something like 8 or 10 vials! The U/S took a little while, because they were establishing a baseline that all of the other ones would be measured against. They did both a regular pelvic and an internal U/S at this appointment, but it would be the only time I would need a full bladder. Awesome! I think that is the worst part of U/S's - having to fill your bladder and hold it FOREVER!!!

After that initial appointment, they only took a single vial of blood for the BW and did an internal US. These appointments were so incredibly quick! I was very impressed at how efficient they ran things. There were some mornings that I was in and out in 5 min! Initially they told me that I would go in every other day until I got close to O and at that point I would have to come in every day. I ended up going in on CD5, CD7, CD9, CD11, CD13, CD15, CD17 and CD20.

For the last 5 or 6 months I have O'd on or around CD19, so I expected them to tell me on CD17 to start to come in everyday. Instead they inform me that all of my follicles are still small but my BW shows that I am surging. They said that due to the surge combined with small follicles, I may or may not ovulate over the next 3 days but that either way, they didn't want to see me until Monday (CD20). On Monday they would know if I had ovulated or not. Then the following Monday (7DPO) would be my last appointment until I met with the Dr. on August 8th.

Because I chart my temperatures, I can see that it appears that I did, in fact, O on CD20 but I don't know what it means if all of my follicles were really small. Did I release an immature egg? Is it possible that I didn't ovulate but still had a temperature shift? Has this been happening all along? Is there a solution for this? Will clomid work? I guess I will have to wait to see the Dr. to find out the answers.

D also had a test to do and boy was that fun - ya, not really. Because he didn't want to take time off work to complete the test, we made the appointment for a Saturday. This meant that we would have to take the sample into the Mississauga clinic.  The sample is only viable for 1 hour after it is collected and we live about 45 min from the Mississauga clinic.  Or so we thought.  Apparently when you account for taking a short long cut, we live 1 hr away from the Mississauga clinic.  The sample arrived at the lab about 10 min past when it should have.  The lab tech said it would still be fine.  I hope so, or next time he is going to have to find a really nice public washroom and a good magazine!

I was very much dreading this next month... more WAITING!!! This whole IF process is nothing if not a lesson in patience. I asked to be put on a cancellation list but didn't really think that we would get an earlier appointment. I was really hoping that we could at least get something 1 or 2 weeks earlier so that i wouldn't have to wait until the start of my NEXT cycle at the end of August to begin a treatment in September. September just sounded soooooo far away.

Out of the blue this afternoon I got a call from the clinic... they have had a cancellation and want to know if I want the appointment. I asked when it was and expected them to tell me it was for August 1st or something equally far away, but nope - it's for Monday!!!! as in,this Monday! meaning in 4 days! I confirmed with D that he could get the time off, and we are good to go! i have been in such a good mood after finding that out :) which is a really good thing because I have been pretty down since the weekend when we held a baby shower for my youngest cousing who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend. Can you feel the bitterness oozing out of that last sentence? That's a separate post altogether... back to happy!! I might get some answers on Monday!

I've never looked forward to the Monday after a long weekend before. It just feels so wrong!