Epic Fail

All the signs are here... the cramping, spotting, headache, etc.  Aunt Flo is just around the corner.  Early I might add.  Bitch!

Four medicated cycles, all failed.

Now I'm officially moving on to the next step. Surgery.

It's scheduled for December 1.

I don't know exactly what will happen.  I don't see the Dr. for the pre-op appointment until next Monday.  I have a ton of questions for him that day.

1. How big is my septum?
2. Will you be able to remove it all with one surgery?
3. What is the difference between a septum and a bicornate uterus?
4. Is there a difference in treatment?
5. How do you know it's a septum and not bicornate?
6. Will you do an HSG at the same time?
7. Will I see you before/after the surgery?
8. How long can D stay with me before the surgery?
9. Does it matter when in my cycle the surgery is done?
10. Is there any potential that I will lose a tube or that the tubes become blocked because of the surgery?
11. What can I expect in terms of recovery?
12. What pain killers will I be given?
13. How long will I be off work?
14. Will I have a balloon inserted? How long will it be there?
15. Will I need to be on estrogen or progesterone after?
16. When will we be able to start to TTC?
17. Will any pregnancy I have after this be automatically considered high risk?
18. What are the risks during pregnancy as a result of the surgery?
19. What will my first cycle after surgery be like?
20. Will we do any drug treatments right away?
21. How any timed cycles will we do before moving to IUI?
22. Is it possible to build up a resistance to Femara? It worked great in cycle 1, then cycle 2 was long and no ovidrel, cycle 3 was upped to 5mg and was short, cycle 4 is also at 5mg and is long...
23. From the research I've done, septum's are often associated with recurrent losses, since I have never had a pregnancy or a loss, what are my chances that this will solve my problem and actually get me pregnant?
24. In each of the 3 cycles that I did a trigger shot my period came exactly 11 days after the injection leaving me with an LP of 10 days max.  Is that long enough?  Should I be on a progesterone supplement after the surgery?

When I have some answers to these questions, I will come back and share them.

For now, I'm catching up on the Twilight Saga in preparation for Breaking Dawn on Friday!

Not so good

Today is one of those days.

It's been one of those days since since last Tuesday.

I was on vacation at the cottage with T&M and I had a FC appointment on Wednesday morning.  We decided to leave the cottage on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning as originally planned.  Let me revise that, I had originally planned to spend the whole week at the cottage but then my period came early and my FC appointments ended up smack dab in the middle of my vacation.  Almost as soon as the decision to leave was made I started bawling.

The vacation to the cottage was filled with so many emotions and they all came to the surface at the same time.

It was at that moment that I realized the irony of my situation.

I should not have to cut my vacation short to go to a fertility clinic.  I should have been spending the week at the place where I spent my childhood with my child.  I should have a child.

I should have been up there dipping their little feet in the lake.

Playing in the park. In the sand.

Instead I was trying to convince two grown women that the water was warm enough for swimming and then being stuck with needles and violated by ultrasound wands.

Since then my emotions have been simmering just under the surface.  Under my mask.  A mask that's about to crack with the slightest pressure.

While I was on vacation, my work instituted an Employee Assistance Program.  Good timing, I think I am going to need this very soon.

Inverhuron, 4 days

August 14, 2011

August 20, 2011

August 28, 2011

August 29, 2011

No.

I can't tell you how much **fun** it is to get your period while staying at your aunts house on the beach.
FML

A peak inside the mind of a crazy person... a.k.a me

Am I pregnant yet??  When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??  Do you think I could be pregnant yet??   Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Is there any chance that I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? How long does the Ovidrel stay in my system so that I can test to find out if I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Do I have any symptoms of being pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??

Remind me.... what is that definition of insanity??


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.



Isn't that what I have been doing for the last 17 months?
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex... you get the idea.

The idea that I'm a crazy person?  Yep, you got it.

So tired

I am exhausted.

But happy.

On Thursday last week I went for my first monitoring appointment to see how things were progressing. They wanted me to come back on Saturday. On Saturday they wanted me to come back on Sunday... then Monday... then Tuesday... Today the said that I should book an appointment for Wednesday but I more than likely wouldn't need it; they would probably be calling me today to take the Ovidrel injection.

Waiting for that phone call was difficult. I was so tired today that I told D if they want me back tomorrow, he was going to have to drive me in because I was falling asleep at the wheel this morning.

Finally, they called me after lunch and told me I could do the injection this evening and then starting tonight "have intercourse for the next two to three days".

Yes, I was instructed to have sex.

Slightly humiliating. Like we weren't trying that step before...

When I got home from work, I had a nap! Then just before dinner I gathered all of my supplies and prepared myself for the injection. I was a little nervous, but the thought that this could be what I need to finally get pregnant got me through it.

It didn't hurt that much, a little pinch was all. It felt tender around the injection point for about half an hour or so and I had a small red bump. Now, 3 hours later, I have to look really hard to find the little red dot, the bump is gone and it's not tender any more.

Now I don't have to go back to the clinic for two weeks. That's when they want to do a pregnancy test.

Well, I'm off to bed now to do as I have been told; get busy!!

Blood, drugs and other nasty surprises

Fucking Aunt Flo found me on Wednesday last week.  Another cycle down and still no bean.  Almost to drive home the point that "No! you are not pregnant!", she arrived 3 days early.  I didn't even get to the point where I could wonder if we had a chance before it was suddenly there.  I say suddenly, but in actuality it came on pretty gradually; I was spotting for 3 days before her arrival - I was just choosing to ignore all the signs.  It's funny what infertility does to you... how many things you can be blind to.

As much as I hate it when AF comes to visit,  I welcomed her this month.  I welcomed her because this month I FINALLY get to start to do something that might actually increase our chances.  I finally get to do something!  In a situation that is so totally out of your hands it feels amazing to finally get to do something about it.

And her coming 3 days early?  That actually turned out to be perfect because it meant I could go to the clinic on Friday instead of the holiday Monday (I didn't even know if they were open on Monday) and going on Friday meant that I could go to the clinic I like.  Only the main clinic is open on the weekend, but I like the smaller satellite clinic that is closer to me.

On Friday I had my day 3 appointment.  It was at 7:10 am and it was an hour away and I needed to have a full bladder.  Good times.  I had my blood work done then had the pelvic u/s and then was finally allowed to go to the bathroom, and then I had the internal u/s.  My old friend the transvaginal wand, oh how I loathe thee.

After that I got to pick up my drugs!  Well almost, the pharmacy that they sent my script to didn't open until 9 am... grrr... If I had known that, I would have either a) had them send the script to a pharmacy in my town, or b) made my appointment later in the morning.  Now I was stuck waiting around for over an hour until they opened.  So I got a coffee and went to Walmart (it was the only store open before 9 am).

I got back to the pharmacy just after nine and picked up my drugs.  2.5mg Letrozol (Femara) once daily for five days; day 3 through 7.  I was also given another drug called Ovidrel.  I wasn't expecting this one.  The nurse mentioned something about something that needed to be refrigerated, but  I couldn't hear her properly on my cell, she also had a fairly thick accent, so the combination was brutal.  Anyway, Ovidrel is a shot of hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin), a hormone normally produced to initiate ovulation. A variant of hCG is also produced during pregnancy.  This is what ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and home pregnancy tests test for.

Ovidrel is an injection.

I was not prepared for this.  I'm nervous for when I have to take it.  Luckily that will be next week some time so for now I can put on those infertility blinders that I wear so often, and just not think about it for now.  I have to go in again next Thursday (CD9) to see how things are progressing.  They will give me instruction then on how and when to take the Ovidrel.

I'm on the second day of Femara right now and so far so good.  I'm not having many side effects, aside from a couple headaches, but those really can't be traced back to the Femara since I get headaches all the time anyway.

I am scared.  I am scared because my hopes are up too high this month.  The higher my hopes are, the harder I fall and I'm afraid of falling.  Luckily my cottage vacation will be there to soften the landing.  With it's sunny beaches and good friends and alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.

Just to top off my amazing week... my cousins girlfriend (ya that one he knocked up after a couple months of dating) gave birth to a little girl last night.  I know jelaosy is ugly, but so is infertility.  And I am sooooooo jealous, so what does that make me?  I don't care.  I know it's bad, but I was really hoping that they would have a boy.  If I couldn't have the first baby, I at least wanted to have the first girl, and they got that too.  This sucks!

And in other totally non baby related news... I bought myself an ereader yesterday!  I'm having so much fun with it and it will be awesome for the cottage when I am on vacation in a couple of weeks.  A vacation I was looking more forward to before T became pregnant... there I go with the jealousy again... it's too bad those infertility blinders didn't work for stuff like that!