Over the last 12 months I probably could have wrote 3 identical posts over and over and over again about.... well... 12 times, and they would go something like this:
My Period started today. This month will be our month. It would be so perfect! because If I got pregnant this cycle I could announce my pregnance to my family at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. Then I could announce to everyone else in a really fun way at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. And my due date would be really close to H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here. I just have to wait for Aunt Flo (AF) to be over and then we can get this party started!
I will probably ovulate (O) today or tomorrow. I have had lots of EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) and I can just tell that it's coming. We didn't BD (baby dance) as much as I would like this month because it's really hard to time things around when D is home for the weekend or because D wasn't feeling well. But the times that we did it, we had good timing and that's what matters. There are lot of people who only have sex once in their fertile window and get pregnant... hopefully that will happen to us as well.
AF is on her way. I have all the tell tale signs... bloating, cramping, sore breasts, irritability, headache, spotting. It's just a matter of time now before it starts. Damn! I really thought we had it this month. I have to stop getting my hopes up so high each month so that I don't have so far to fall when fucking AF shows up. Not only does she knock me down just by showing up, but she kicks me while I'm on the ground with her massive cramping and lasting forever! FUCK HER! She can go to hell. This sucks. Why me?
So that was the monthly roller coaster ride that I have been on for the last year.
I'm not sure what this year will bring for us, but hopefully there will be more to this monotony. Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment to get the fertility clinic ball rolling. I plan to write about my journey with the clinic in the hopes that anyone else going through the same thing will not feel as alone as I do. I will not mask any emotions here, even if they don't seem appropriate to anyone else, they are strong and what I feel at the time. For example: My 'cousin' (close family friend) announced that he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. I found out on New Years Eve. After-words, I bawled, changed in my PJ's and sulked the rest of the night away. Worst. New Years. Ever. I will try and be happy for those who get pregnant while I am still trying, but I will be sad for my self. And that's ok. But be warned, it won't be pretty.
