Anger

I haven't written about this yet because I am very shameful about it.  I feel terribly guilty for feeling the way I do.

I have another pregnant cousin.

This time it's not just a close friend of the family that we call 'cousin'.  It's my actual cousin.  My mothers sisters daughter.  My Aunt also suffered from infertility and my cousins were adopted.

She is 5 years younger than me.

She is unmarried. Not that it really matters to me what comes first.  They own a house together, like D and I did before we were engaged.  I always said my engagement ring had a foundation and a roof over my head. The same thing applies to them.

She never completed any post-secondary education.  Neither did her fiancee.  Yes, he proposed when they found out they were expecting.

She smokes.

I was told on New Years Day.

Happy New Year...

Growing up, I was always very close with my cousins.  She is the same age as my sister, and her brother is a year younger than me. We spent a lot of time with them.

I always assumed that because I was the oldest of all my cousins, I would be the first one to have a baby.  I wasn't.  The youngest of us did.  And now the 2nd youngest of us is pregnant.  During the baby shower for the youngest she said to me "Who would have thought that he would be the first one to have a baby..."  I told her "I don't want to talk about it." and I thought 'At least I will be pregnant before you...'

But then I wasn't.

The only thing I feel is anger.  I do not feel happy for her.  I hope she felt like crap fighting morning sickness and nicotine fits at the same time.

I have avoided family functions when I knew she would be there.  I am sticking my head in the sand and pretending it's not happening.

But it is.

When my grandmother was cleaning out her garage she wanted one of us to take a wicker bassinet and store it for the next generation.  This was a bassinet that I had slept in as an infant.  I don't know if my sister slept in it or if my cousin did becasue they are only 9 days apart.  I took it, after all, I was going to be the first to have a baby. At the time I was the only one with a house, I was engaged, I was the only one to be completed with university, I was all set.

On Monday this week, my aunt, her mother, called me to see how I was doing.  Although she insists that she did not call to ask, at the end of the call, she asked if she could have the bassinet.

My bassinet.

The one that I was going to put my baby in.

What could I say?

No?  I'm not using it.

I won't be using it for a long time still.

It hurt.

It still hurts.

I cried for hours after I hung up.

I'm crying now.

It should be me.

It should be me.

Canadian Infertility Awareness Week

May 20 to May 26 is Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW).

I know that 1 in 6 Canadian couples will experience infertility. 

And I know that I know more than 6 couples.

So why does it feel like I'm alone?

(not all the time)

I know that I'm not.

I know 4 other couples that have also experienced infertility.

Past and present.

2 of them adopted.

They are now divorced.

1 has two beautiful children conceived naturally after 10 years of trying.

10 years.

Ten. Years.

And 1, like me, who is still struggling.

So why does it feel like I'm alone?

I'm not.

It's just that nobody talks about it.

I don't talk about it (anymore).

It's private.

And yet I'm seriously airing it all on Facebook.

I've already changed my profile pic.

I doubt anyone will open the full picture to find out what it's about.

I am trying to gather the courage to post this video.

Maybe my courage will help my friends?

Maybe I will be judged.

Maybe I will be pitied.

Maybe I will be avoided.

Maybe I will be loved.

I look at some couples I know.

They have been married for years.

Yet they also don't have children.

Is it by choice?

Or do they feel as alone as me?

There is still 3 days left in CIAW.

I still have time.

It will be OK

Today my sister and I took my mom to a movie for mothers day.

Yes, I know it was two weeks ago... but since I had just had surgery, and for personal reasons in my sisters life, we postponed it.

We went to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  It was a really nice movie and it really made you think.  One line from the movie resonated with me. 

Everything will be alright in the end.

If it's not alright, it's not the end.

This is not the end...

Mother's Day

"Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she works hard for just a chance,

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,

and yet she still has hope;

everyday is another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

LAP #2 part 2

When I woke up in recovery, I was freezing, as usual, and they gave me a bunch of warm blankets. I was shaking from the anesthesia wearing off and that made my stomach hurt so they gave me more morphine. Once they gave me 18 something (I don't know what morphine is measure in) of morphine the nurse said I was prescribed 20 so she would just give me the last of it. A few minutes later she was at my side telling me to take a few deep breaths, over and over, she kept repeating that. Then she said she would have to decrease the morphine because I kept forgetting to breathe. Oops! I guess that is kind of important...

After I became more stable, you know... like remembering to breathe... they gave me a banana Popsicle.  It was strange to eat it because normally I have very sensitive teeth and I can't bite into ice cream or Popsicles etc. but because of the morphine, I couldn't feel it at all so I chomped away at that Popsicle.  It was delicious!

While I was in recovery, Dr. F went and talked to D to let him know what happened during the procedure.  She was not able to remove my right tube without damaging the ovary and impairing ovarian function so she clamped it.  She also laserd off a bunch of endometriosis.  Again, she could only do so much with out damaging ovarian function.  I was diagnosed with moderate to severe endometriosis.  I am so glad to FINALLY have a diagnosis of something I have suspected I've had since puberty.  An explanation for the pain and cramping I have every month.

I slept for most of the rest of the day; in the 2nd recovery area, in the car, at home.  I woke up only to eat a little something and go to the washroom.  Around 10 I woke up and then couldn't get back to sleep until about 1am - of course!

I have been recovering well.  My naturalpath gave me some homeopathic remedies to help me reduce the amount of pain killers I've had to take.  It seems to be helping, I've been managing with only 1 T3 every 6 hrs whereas last time I was taking 1 every 2-3 hours. 

Another thing that might be helping in that respect is that the location of the incisions is different this time.  With my first LAP I had two incisions, one in my belly button and the other just above my pelvic bone right at the hair line.  It was that second incision that was always so painful.  They didn't shave the area before putting the tape on and I don't think it held properly because of that.  This time, I have more incision points, but 3 of them are off to the side so it's not so painful to use my stomach muscles and sit up.  I have one point in my belly button, 2 on my right side and one on my left.  I am going to look like I've been a knife fight once they are healed.

No more bikini's for me.

The only real major pain I've been having is from the gas.  During the surgery they pump CO2 into my abdomen to allow them to get a better view of everything using the small instruments and cameras used during laparoscopic surgery.  They try to remove as much of it as they can before closing the incisions, but ultimately some gets trapped.  It will eventually work its way out but right now it's settling in my shoulders when I sit and around my lungs and ribs and it's quite painful.  A heating pad helps the most.  I feel a little bit like I'm wearing a bib with the heating pad tucked up under my chin, but oh well, I'm not trying to win any fashion shows here.

LAP #2 part 1

Yesterday I had a second laparoscopic surgery. After the first one, I was looking forward to having surgery with a Dr I had more faith in.  Still obviously very nervous, it is surgery after all, but this time it would be at a great hospital and with a better Dr.

I arrived at the hospital at 7am and registered.  My parents met me there at registration and kept D company while I was in surgery. I was impressed at how well everything ran. There was very little waiting between each step.  After registering, I went down to the same day surgery waiting area.  A nurse cam and took me to a little room where she took my vitals and gave me a gown and housecoat to change into. 

I was so excited to get to keep my own socks on throughout the surgery!  It's a little thing to be excited about but I remember how cold I was last time and the though of my wool socks was comforting.

Once I was changed, I was set up with an IV.  The nurse had some trouble with my IV and she poked around for quite a bit before she got it in.  When she finally had it, blood went all over.  After the blood was all cleaned up, she went and got D to sit with me while they gave me saline and an antibiotic.  Once the antibiotic was all done I was taken to the surgery ward.  my parents got to walk down there with me but they had to wait in another waiting room until after I was done.  I said good bye to them there and went with D to another waiting area.

This area had boxes on the walls with different Dr's names on them and we went and sat in the chairs under Dr. F.  There, we met with the anaesthesiologist and the nurses and residents that would all be helping Dr. F in the OR.  I also got to meet with Dr. F briefly before I went in.

There was a little confusion about whether a laser would be used or not.  Dr.F doesn't use the laser, but there is another Dr who helps with it and he was able to be there.  Just before I was put under, they had me initial a change to my consent to include laser.

Once the consent was changed, they put the oxygen mask on and added a new drug to my IV and I felt the warmth spread over my head and I was out.

Surgery or no surgery?

This past two weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster with good news and bad news and confusion all around!

Last Tuesday I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. F to sign the consent for surgert and go over the risks etc.  With Dr. M, he tested my tubes last May and it showed they were open, then during the surgery he declared them both closed, but he did not perform another test. Dr. F is not really comfortable taking the word of Dr. M when his reports are conflicting so she ordered another test; a more accurate one than the one I did last May.  It's called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG).

During the HSG, a contrast dye is inserted into my uterus and forced through my tubes while images are recorded on an x-ray. As it turns out, my left fallopian tube is open! But my right is still blocked with nice fat hydro. The image below is NOT mine but it shows kinda what mine looked like.

Notice on the left side that the dye looks like smoke, but on the right it is more solid? That is because on the right the dry is being trapped and contained rather than being released into the abdomen. There was a slight anomalie with mine. At the base of the right one there was a small area that also looked like smoke. This meant that my right tube, while diseased, might possibly be open too. If both tubes are open, then I wouldn't need surgery!

Because the test on my right tube was ambiguous, Dr. F got a second opinion from one of the other RE's at the clinic. They agreed that the tube should be treated as closed because the area of 'smoke' was so small.

What does this mean?

Basically, since I have one open tube, I actually have a chance at a successful Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) which is much much cheaper and less invasive than IVF. If I choose to do IUI, then I don't need to do surgery.

With the blocked tube, there are studies that show IVF is more successfull if the tube is removed. However, there are no studies on IUI and blocked hydro tubes, so she can not say that removing the tube would be beneficial.

If we are going to do IVF, I should have the surgery. But if we would rather do IUI, then I would't need to have the surgery. However, if we try IUI and it doesn't work and we want to persue IVF, I would need to have the tube removed at that point. So, we need to make a decision.

IUI has only a 10-12% chance of success and a 5-10% chance of ectopic (pregnancy in the fallopian tube) whereas IVF has a 60-70% chance of success. And we can only do IUI on the months that I ovulate on the left side since that's the only tube that's open. And those percentages were before I asked her about D's SA results. OF course, he was out walking the dog when I was talking to her so she couldn't give me the numbers, but his count is low so our chances are probably a little lower than 10%. We figure we will likely end up doing IVF eventually, but it's really hard ignore the fact that IUI will cost $350, while IVF will cost $10,000.

I have decided to go ahead and do the surgery on May 9 as planned and we will have to think about whether we want to do an IUI or two before IVF. A successful IUI would be like winning the lottery, and you can't win if you don't play. We are thinking about buying one 'lottery ticket' before going all in with IVF. I keep second guessing that choice though.

Technically we have some time, I'm turning 32 next month and D is the same age. The only thing that puts us into a time crunch is that D is supposed to be on a drug to supress his immune system a little so that he doesn't develop a resistance to Remicade (the drug to treat his Crohn's Disease) but he's not taking it while we TTC. His GI says it's safe, but everything I've read says there is a risk of major birth defects if the male partner is taking it and both RE's that we've had say it's not safe. So he has not been taking it for 2.5 years now and I'm constantly worried that he will build up a resistance to his miracle drug. (You should have seen him before he got on this, he was sooo sick and in sooo much pain all the time I can't watch him go through that because my body is screwed up and can't have babies).

But really, what's another few months for a chance to "win the lottery"?