All Wrapped Up

I only worked on Monday this week and I do not go back to work until Jan 3.  In total I will have had a full 2 weeks off.

It's fantastic.

And since it's the week before christmas, I've managed to keep my self busy and have had plenty of bad, made for TV, Christmas movies to watch on TV instead of certain baby shows on TLC.

Also to pass the time I have been doing this:

Is it a little much??

The brighter side

It seems that I only write when I'm in a really bad place.  Since writing helps me get things off my chesh and release some stress, I only write when I'm low.  But I really need to write don the high points as well.  When I look back at previous posts, it's pretty depressing... and sometimes I am depressed. But I have to have a record that it's not like that all of the time.  Sometimes, like the past week, are pretty good.

I've finally found Christmas!  After listening to Christmas music for the past 3-4 weeks, they finally make me happier. Except for the Christmas Shoes - that song makes me cry like a baby!!!  I hate that song!

The weekend before last, December 10-11 was D's company Christmas party. I was still in a bad place mentally, and physically only so-so. However, it was really nice to finally put a face to the names and stories that he has been talking about.  All of the people he works with are really nice and so are their wives.  I can see us hanging out when we finally have kids (most of them already do).  I was feeling alright most of the night; still a little swollen and some cramps started around 9 so we left early.  I probably would have lasted longer but we were sitting on an ottoman so there was nothing to lean back on and I had to use my stomach muscles a little too much.

The next day was my family cookie exchange.  It was nice, but not great.  My cousin's girlfriend fiancee came with the baby and while I love that little girl, it was still hard to be around her.  Especially when punctuated by the fact that I couldn't hold her because she weighs more than 10lbs and I couldn't lift more than that because I'd had surgery because I haven't been able to get pregnant and found out during said surgery that I will never get pregnant on my own.  By this point, I was coming to the realization that I had essentially lost 2 generations of my family in one day.  My grandmother and my future children.  My head was not a good place to be.

After the cookie exchange, I came home to a christmas tree.  I think that's where I finally found Christams. D and I had been talking earlier, and since he is pretty much a scrooge, he was saying that we shouldn't have a tree this year.  I agreed.  I said I didn't feel like it was Christmas this year and I didn't want to be bothered with a tree.  Knowing that Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year, he knew something was seriously wrong if I didn't even want a tree. So in a last ditch attempt to cheer me up, he hauled up the Christmas tree, put it together and had it waiting, all lit up, for me to come home. He didn't decorate it, but that was part of my discovery of Christmas.  A few days later the tree was decorated, and I was finally in the spirit of the season.

By the following weekend, my outlook had turned around.  Even heading into the open house memorial for my grandma, I was feeling almost happy.  I was even able to enjoy the day with baby J.  We had a good time together, even though I had to explain many times that this was not my baby, and with comments like "it's so nice to have babies at this time of year" floating around the room.  It was a nice day, despite the circumstances for the gathering.

Sunday was D's family Christmas.  I had a good time there too.  There wasn't a single comment about babies or anything remotely related to fertility from any of the Aunts or Cousins like I thought there might be.  They must have been warned!

Hopefully this new attitude will continue through the next week and into the new year.

Where are you Christmas?

I've lost my Christmas spirit this year.

Last year I wrote to Santa asking him for a baby, it was the only thing I asked him for, and still... I'm childless.

I've been listening to Christmas music in the car for weeks trying to get into the spirit.  Tonight I was pulling into the driveway when Faith Hill's Where are you Christmas came on and I started bawling.

IF has already stolen so much from me and now it's stealing my favourite time of year too.

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas 

Why can't I find you 

Why have you gone away 

Where is the laughter 

You used to bring me 

Why can't I hear music play 

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

Only I still can't feel Christmas.  Maybe it's just late this year?

Bahhh, Humbug!

And the punches just keep on coming...

Yesterday I had my surgery.  It was an incredibly crappy and fucked up day.  I'm still not sure what to make of it.

I got to the hospital nice and early, about half an hour before they said to because we weren't sure what traffic would be like.  When I got there I had to fill out some forms and sit in one waiting room.  My mom and dad and D were able to sit with me there.  Then they called me into another area where they took my blood pressure, weight, temperature etc. and got changed into the hospital gown.  They had another waiting area in this room, but only D could stay with me there because there was very limited seating.  I waited there for another hour, hour and a half before being moved to yet another waiting room.

45 min later, I met with the anesthesiologist and Dr. M and was then taken to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to give my name and confirm what procedure I was there for. I then got up on the table and they inserted the IV into my hand.

Dr. M came in while the IV was still being set up and asked if I was ready. I joked around saying no, I'm not ready, I can still talk, please wait until I can't talk anymore! The anesthesiologist then inserted what he called "my lunch" into my IV and they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out.

When I woke up in recovery, I was in quite a bit of pain and was freezing cold and could not stop shaking. They brought be 3 or 4 heated blankets to warm me up and gave me a shot of morphine. After the morphine, I was still hurting so they also gave me Oxycontin. Eventually I warmed up and stopped shivering and that helped with the pain too. After about half an hour or so I was moved back into the same room I got ready in to finish recovering and D was able to be with me again.

Dr.M was supposed to come and talk to us after the surgery to let us know how it went, but instead he left me a note.  I assumed he was probably very busy, I could tell that he had back to back to back surgeries lined up all day.  When D finally opened the note I was am very upset by what it said and the fact that he didn't tell me in person.

The note said:

"Bilateral Hydrosalpinx
More on RI>Lt
Options: A) OHIP IVF; B)Corrective surgery (may loose coverage if opened but not pregnant)
Hysteroscopy done
Small septum divided"
with his email at the bottom.

D, of course didn't recognize the diagnosis, and the nurse either didn't know either or pretended not to know, but I knew what it meant right away.

Both of my tubes are blocked.

I have no chance of ever conceiving a child without IVF.

We had the nurses call for Dr. M twice while I was still recovering enough to go home, but he was in surgery and I never got to see him.  Today I sent him an email, but he has not responded yet.  I also called his clinic to book a follow up appointment that he wanted in 4 weeks, but the earliest appointment I could get is not until February 18th.  I don't even know what time it is booked for, I was so upset, I just hung up.  The longer this is left with no response from him the angrier I will be.  I was very happy with my treatment so far with him until now.  But leaving that kind of information in a note???  In my opinion, it was very unprofessional.

We left the hospital and my parents came back to our house for dinner and to stay with me while D went to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs.  My dad came up and said my mom was outside dealing with a call from work.  It wasn't until later that night that they told me the call was not work, but in fact was my aunt telling her that my grandmother had passed away.

They figured that they wouldn't burden me with that info after they day I'd already had, but then my cousin posted something on Facebook and they decided to tell me so that I wouldn't learn about it by reading it on Facebook.  I'm glad they finally told me, I think I would have been more upset if they'd successfully kept it from me for another day or two.

Physically I'm doing ok today.  The shoulder pain that was bad last night is better today and I can sit up for more than 20 min.  I still can't really use my stomach muscles to sit up on my own or get out of bed on my own, but I haven't had to take any T3's since first thing this morning.

I'm off to bed now, maybe tomorrow I can do more research on my new diagnosis, but for now i'm still trying to wrap my head around it.