The brighter side

It seems that I only write when I'm in a really bad place.  Since writing helps me get things off my chesh and release some stress, I only write when I'm low.  But I really need to write don the high points as well.  When I look back at previous posts, it's pretty depressing... and sometimes I am depressed. But I have to have a record that it's not like that all of the time.  Sometimes, like the past week, are pretty good.

I've finally found Christmas!  After listening to Christmas music for the past 3-4 weeks, they finally make me happier. Except for the Christmas Shoes - that song makes me cry like a baby!!!  I hate that song!

The weekend before last, December 10-11 was D's company Christmas party. I was still in a bad place mentally, and physically only so-so. However, it was really nice to finally put a face to the names and stories that he has been talking about.  All of the people he works with are really nice and so are their wives.  I can see us hanging out when we finally have kids (most of them already do).  I was feeling alright most of the night; still a little swollen and some cramps started around 9 so we left early.  I probably would have lasted longer but we were sitting on an ottoman so there was nothing to lean back on and I had to use my stomach muscles a little too much.

The next day was my family cookie exchange.  It was nice, but not great.  My cousin's girlfriend fiancee came with the baby and while I love that little girl, it was still hard to be around her.  Especially when punctuated by the fact that I couldn't hold her because she weighs more than 10lbs and I couldn't lift more than that because I'd had surgery because I haven't been able to get pregnant and found out during said surgery that I will never get pregnant on my own.  By this point, I was coming to the realization that I had essentially lost 2 generations of my family in one day.  My grandmother and my future children.  My head was not a good place to be.

After the cookie exchange, I came home to a christmas tree.  I think that's where I finally found Christams. D and I had been talking earlier, and since he is pretty much a scrooge, he was saying that we shouldn't have a tree this year.  I agreed.  I said I didn't feel like it was Christmas this year and I didn't want to be bothered with a tree.  Knowing that Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year, he knew something was seriously wrong if I didn't even want a tree. So in a last ditch attempt to cheer me up, he hauled up the Christmas tree, put it together and had it waiting, all lit up, for me to come home. He didn't decorate it, but that was part of my discovery of Christmas.  A few days later the tree was decorated, and I was finally in the spirit of the season.

By the following weekend, my outlook had turned around.  Even heading into the open house memorial for my grandma, I was feeling almost happy.  I was even able to enjoy the day with baby J.  We had a good time together, even though I had to explain many times that this was not my baby, and with comments like "it's so nice to have babies at this time of year" floating around the room.  It was a nice day, despite the circumstances for the gathering.

Sunday was D's family Christmas.  I had a good time there too.  There wasn't a single comment about babies or anything remotely related to fertility from any of the Aunts or Cousins like I thought there might be.  They must have been warned!

Hopefully this new attitude will continue through the next week and into the new year.