The dumb things people say

I don't really have anything new going on, but I found this today and thought I'd share.  I have no idea where it originally came from but I found it on ivf.ca

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralysed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralysed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralysed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

I have been very open with a lot of people right from the start that we were TTC and having difficulties.  Most people have been very supportive. But even the most supportive people sometime say dumb things.

Some of the best?

"...but it's fun trying!!"
"How much does this REALLY mean to you?"
"It's totally worth it; the best thing I've ever done, you will love it when you have kids, I couldn't imagine my life without him..."
"Who would have thought HE'D be the first cousin to have a baby, he's the youngest of all of us!"
"at least you have a plan"
"My sister-in-law/girlfriend/daughter/friend/third cousin had to do IVF so I understand, really I do"

There are some people who I have just stopped talking to about this.  Including flat out lying about some things. "Yes, I'm going on vacation in May, and no, I won't be able to do any strenuous work after the 'vacation' for about a week..."  cause you know I will still, um, be in vacation mode?? Ya, that's it, vacation mode...

But then over sharing has also brought out some suprising support from people I barely knew.  One co-worker was on mat leave the first year I was at this job, when she came back I didn't share anythign right away.  Eventually I did let on that we had been trying and have been unsuccessful and going to a Fertility clinic.  That's when she told me it took them 10 years to conceive their first.  So far, out of anyone I've talked to, she's the only one who truly gets it.

Others try, but you honestly can't grasp all of the crap that goes on inside the mind of an infertile unless you have been there. Honestly, it's like some crazy twilight zone in a parallel universe where haning out with friends and family becomes torture and even cake can't get you to go to your own sister's birthday party because your pregnant cousin will be there.