The brighter side

It seems that I only write when I'm in a really bad place.  Since writing helps me get things off my chesh and release some stress, I only write when I'm low.  But I really need to write don the high points as well.  When I look back at previous posts, it's pretty depressing... and sometimes I am depressed. But I have to have a record that it's not like that all of the time.  Sometimes, like the past week, are pretty good.

I've finally found Christmas!  After listening to Christmas music for the past 3-4 weeks, they finally make me happier. Except for the Christmas Shoes - that song makes me cry like a baby!!!  I hate that song!

The weekend before last, December 10-11 was D's company Christmas party. I was still in a bad place mentally, and physically only so-so. However, it was really nice to finally put a face to the names and stories that he has been talking about.  All of the people he works with are really nice and so are their wives.  I can see us hanging out when we finally have kids (most of them already do).  I was feeling alright most of the night; still a little swollen and some cramps started around 9 so we left early.  I probably would have lasted longer but we were sitting on an ottoman so there was nothing to lean back on and I had to use my stomach muscles a little too much.

The next day was my family cookie exchange.  It was nice, but not great.  My cousin's girlfriend fiancee came with the baby and while I love that little girl, it was still hard to be around her.  Especially when punctuated by the fact that I couldn't hold her because she weighs more than 10lbs and I couldn't lift more than that because I'd had surgery because I haven't been able to get pregnant and found out during said surgery that I will never get pregnant on my own.  By this point, I was coming to the realization that I had essentially lost 2 generations of my family in one day.  My grandmother and my future children.  My head was not a good place to be.

After the cookie exchange, I came home to a christmas tree.  I think that's where I finally found Christams. D and I had been talking earlier, and since he is pretty much a scrooge, he was saying that we shouldn't have a tree this year.  I agreed.  I said I didn't feel like it was Christmas this year and I didn't want to be bothered with a tree.  Knowing that Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year, he knew something was seriously wrong if I didn't even want a tree. So in a last ditch attempt to cheer me up, he hauled up the Christmas tree, put it together and had it waiting, all lit up, for me to come home. He didn't decorate it, but that was part of my discovery of Christmas.  A few days later the tree was decorated, and I was finally in the spirit of the season.

By the following weekend, my outlook had turned around.  Even heading into the open house memorial for my grandma, I was feeling almost happy.  I was even able to enjoy the day with baby J.  We had a good time together, even though I had to explain many times that this was not my baby, and with comments like "it's so nice to have babies at this time of year" floating around the room.  It was a nice day, despite the circumstances for the gathering.

Sunday was D's family Christmas.  I had a good time there too.  There wasn't a single comment about babies or anything remotely related to fertility from any of the Aunts or Cousins like I thought there might be.  They must have been warned!

Hopefully this new attitude will continue through the next week and into the new year.

Where are you Christmas?

I've lost my Christmas spirit this year.

Last year I wrote to Santa asking him for a baby, it was the only thing I asked him for, and still... I'm childless.

I've been listening to Christmas music in the car for weeks trying to get into the spirit.  Tonight I was pulling into the driveway when Faith Hill's Where are you Christmas came on and I started bawling.

IF has already stolen so much from me and now it's stealing my favourite time of year too.

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas 

Why can't I find you 

Why have you gone away 

Where is the laughter 

You used to bring me 

Why can't I hear music play 

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

Only I still can't feel Christmas.  Maybe it's just late this year?

Bahhh, Humbug!

And the punches just keep on coming...

Yesterday I had my surgery.  It was an incredibly crappy and fucked up day.  I'm still not sure what to make of it.

I got to the hospital nice and early, about half an hour before they said to because we weren't sure what traffic would be like.  When I got there I had to fill out some forms and sit in one waiting room.  My mom and dad and D were able to sit with me there.  Then they called me into another area where they took my blood pressure, weight, temperature etc. and got changed into the hospital gown.  They had another waiting area in this room, but only D could stay with me there because there was very limited seating.  I waited there for another hour, hour and a half before being moved to yet another waiting room.

45 min later, I met with the anesthesiologist and Dr. M and was then taken to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to give my name and confirm what procedure I was there for. I then got up on the table and they inserted the IV into my hand.

Dr. M came in while the IV was still being set up and asked if I was ready. I joked around saying no, I'm not ready, I can still talk, please wait until I can't talk anymore! The anesthesiologist then inserted what he called "my lunch" into my IV and they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out.

When I woke up in recovery, I was in quite a bit of pain and was freezing cold and could not stop shaking. They brought be 3 or 4 heated blankets to warm me up and gave me a shot of morphine. After the morphine, I was still hurting so they also gave me Oxycontin. Eventually I warmed up and stopped shivering and that helped with the pain too. After about half an hour or so I was moved back into the same room I got ready in to finish recovering and D was able to be with me again.

Dr.M was supposed to come and talk to us after the surgery to let us know how it went, but instead he left me a note.  I assumed he was probably very busy, I could tell that he had back to back to back surgeries lined up all day.  When D finally opened the note I was am very upset by what it said and the fact that he didn't tell me in person.

The note said:

"Bilateral Hydrosalpinx
More on RI>Lt
Options: A) OHIP IVF; B)Corrective surgery (may loose coverage if opened but not pregnant)
Hysteroscopy done
Small septum divided"
with his email at the bottom.

D, of course didn't recognize the diagnosis, and the nurse either didn't know either or pretended not to know, but I knew what it meant right away.

Both of my tubes are blocked.

I have no chance of ever conceiving a child without IVF.

We had the nurses call for Dr. M twice while I was still recovering enough to go home, but he was in surgery and I never got to see him.  Today I sent him an email, but he has not responded yet.  I also called his clinic to book a follow up appointment that he wanted in 4 weeks, but the earliest appointment I could get is not until February 18th.  I don't even know what time it is booked for, I was so upset, I just hung up.  The longer this is left with no response from him the angrier I will be.  I was very happy with my treatment so far with him until now.  But leaving that kind of information in a note???  In my opinion, it was very unprofessional.

We left the hospital and my parents came back to our house for dinner and to stay with me while D went to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs.  My dad came up and said my mom was outside dealing with a call from work.  It wasn't until later that night that they told me the call was not work, but in fact was my aunt telling her that my grandmother had passed away.

They figured that they wouldn't burden me with that info after they day I'd already had, but then my cousin posted something on Facebook and they decided to tell me so that I wouldn't learn about it by reading it on Facebook.  I'm glad they finally told me, I think I would have been more upset if they'd successfully kept it from me for another day or two.

Physically I'm doing ok today.  The shoulder pain that was bad last night is better today and I can sit up for more than 20 min.  I still can't really use my stomach muscles to sit up on my own or get out of bed on my own, but I haven't had to take any T3's since first thing this morning.

I'm off to bed now, maybe tomorrow I can do more research on my new diagnosis, but for now i'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

One more sleep

In a little more than 12 hours I will be at the hospital getting ready for surgery.  I'm really trying not to think about the details, so I'm managing to stay pretty calm.  I have my ipod ready with a relaxation track to help me sleep if I need it.  I will post tomorrow (or maybe not till Friday if I'm too drugged when I get home) with a play-by-play of what happens when I get there.

Q & A

1. How big is my septum? 

    7mm.  Dr. M assures me this is actually quite shallow as septums are concerned.

2. Will you be able to remove it all with one surgery? 

    Absolutely

3. What is the difference between a septum and a bicornuate uterus? 

    The outside of the uterus is dipped along with the uterus in a bicornuate uterus.  

4. Is there a difference in treatment?  

    Surgery is not performed on a bicornuate uterus.

5. How do you know it's a septum and not bicornuate?  

    According to the 3D ultrasound done during the hysterosalpingram, my uterus appears normal from the outside.

6. Will you do an HSG at the same time? 

    No need, we will be doing a LAP

7. Will I see you before/after the surgery? 

    Yes, but I likely won't remember seeing him after due to the drugs.  He will bring D in and tell him everything.  Hopefully my mom too because she will be more likely to remember what he says. 

8. How long can D stay with me before the surgery? 

    This question didn't really get answered.

9. Does it matter when in my cycle the surgery is done?  

    No

10. Is there any potential that I will lose a tube or that the tubes become blocked because of the surgery?

     Definitely not!

11. What can I expect in terms of recovery? 

     I will be very groggy from the anesthesia, and maybe nauseous as well.  The nurses in recovery will give me something for the nausea. After that  I may have some abdominal tenderness "like a bruise" at the incision sites.  The incisions will be so small that they don't even require a stitch, only 5mm. I may experience some pain from the gas the insert into my abdomen to expand it so he can see.  They will try to remove as much as possible, but the gas can travel up to my shoulders and cause pain.

12. What pain killers will I be given?  

     Naproxen and Tylenol 3

13. How long will I be off work? 

     Friday.  He thinks I should be better after 1 or 2 days... I'm not so sure.

14. Will I have a balloon inserted? How long will it be there?  

     No, not for a septum as shallow as mine.

15.  Will I need to be on estrogen or progesterone after?  

     No, not for a septum as shallow as mine.

16. When will we be able to start to TTC?  

     After one complete cycle. I will likely have a period within 10 days of the surgery, and because it's so soon, he wants us to wait one full cycle after that. So, January.

17. Will any pregnancy I have after this be automatically considered high risk?  

     I didn't ask this question... I was nervous and skimming down this list.

18. What are the risks during pregnancy as a result of the surgery?  

     Same as the last question.

19. What will my first cycle after surgery be like?  

     Very heavy.  I usually have a few days of spotting before AF arrives, but he said it will likely begin suddenly and very heavy, with no warning spotting.

20. Will we do any drug treatments right away?  

     Yes, we will continue with the Femara.

21. How any timed cycles will we do before moving to IUI?  

     I didn't ask, I'm still holding out hope that I won't have to.

22. Is it possible to build up a resistance to Femara? It worked great in cycle 1, then cycle 2 was long and no ovidrel, cycle 3 was upped to 5mg and was short, cycle 4 is also at 5mg and was long. 

     I didn't ask, I chickened out.

23. From the research I've done, septum's are often associated with recurrent losses, since I have never had a pregnancy or a loss, what are my chances that this will solve my problem and actually get me pregnant?  

     I didn't ask, I chickened out.

24. In each of the 3 cycles that I did a trigger shot my period came exactly 11 days after the injection leaving me with an LP of 10 days max.  Is that long enough?  

     No it's not long enough, that's called a Luteal Phase defect.  The corpus luteum that is left behind after the egg is released from the follicle is not producing enough progesterone to prevent the lining of the uterus from shedding.

25. Should I be on a progesterone supplement after the surgery?  

     Yes, we will add that into my cycle in January.

Good bye 20's

When I was 21 and living in TO on my own I was feeling rebellious.  I had recently broken up with my high school boyfriend and was looking for ways to be sexy.  So one day I went up to the village and got a navel ring.  I'm not showing off my ring anymore like I used to in the bars in university, but I still never wanted to get rid of it.  I still wanted to hang onto that part of me... however brief that period was.

Saturday night I realized that one of two things was going to happen today.

1 - By some miracle I would be pregnant and I would eventually have to remove the ring because of my ever expanding belly.

2 - More likely, my period would show up and I would be having surgery in two and a half weeks and would have to remove the ring so that surgical instruments could be inserted through my belly button.

Either way, the result was the same.  My 20's are officially over.  I likely won't put it back in after the surgery because I'm still hoping that scenario number 1 will still happen eventually.  And after that... who wants to see a navel ring in a flabby mommy tummy anyway?

Epic Fail

All the signs are here... the cramping, spotting, headache, etc.  Aunt Flo is just around the corner.  Early I might add.  Bitch!

Four medicated cycles, all failed.

Now I'm officially moving on to the next step. Surgery.

It's scheduled for December 1.

I don't know exactly what will happen.  I don't see the Dr. for the pre-op appointment until next Monday.  I have a ton of questions for him that day.

1. How big is my septum?
2. Will you be able to remove it all with one surgery?
3. What is the difference between a septum and a bicornate uterus?
4. Is there a difference in treatment?
5. How do you know it's a septum and not bicornate?
6. Will you do an HSG at the same time?
7. Will I see you before/after the surgery?
8. How long can D stay with me before the surgery?
9. Does it matter when in my cycle the surgery is done?
10. Is there any potential that I will lose a tube or that the tubes become blocked because of the surgery?
11. What can I expect in terms of recovery?
12. What pain killers will I be given?
13. How long will I be off work?
14. Will I have a balloon inserted? How long will it be there?
15. Will I need to be on estrogen or progesterone after?
16. When will we be able to start to TTC?
17. Will any pregnancy I have after this be automatically considered high risk?
18. What are the risks during pregnancy as a result of the surgery?
19. What will my first cycle after surgery be like?
20. Will we do any drug treatments right away?
21. How any timed cycles will we do before moving to IUI?
22. Is it possible to build up a resistance to Femara? It worked great in cycle 1, then cycle 2 was long and no ovidrel, cycle 3 was upped to 5mg and was short, cycle 4 is also at 5mg and is long...
23. From the research I've done, septum's are often associated with recurrent losses, since I have never had a pregnancy or a loss, what are my chances that this will solve my problem and actually get me pregnant?
24. In each of the 3 cycles that I did a trigger shot my period came exactly 11 days after the injection leaving me with an LP of 10 days max.  Is that long enough?  Should I be on a progesterone supplement after the surgery?

When I have some answers to these questions, I will come back and share them.

For now, I'm catching up on the Twilight Saga in preparation for Breaking Dawn on Friday!