You give me fever

I admit it.  I have baby fever.

I have felt this way since I puberty, so that tells me that it is entirely biological. Logic has always told me 'now is not a good time'. D does not have a permanent job, and the economy is such that my job is not completely stable either. Meanwhile there is this huge gaping hole in my gut that physically hurts when I see pregnant women, babies, and small children. My head and my body have had this ongoing battle for so long that my brain is starting to lose it's willpower. Luckily, D has taken up the slack.

I want a baby. 

We aren't in a good position right now, this isn't the right time.

I know - but will there ever really be a "right time"? 

With my health so up and down, this isn't the right time. 

Ya - but you have a chronic disease, your health will be up and down for the rest of your life! 

We can't afford one right now. 

I know - but...

I don't have a full time job, I could be unemployed in 6 months.

I know...

You haven't even been at your job for a year.

Ya, but ...

Do you really think it is appropriate to have a baby when things are so unsettled?

Well, no, but...

No, now is not the right time.

OK... meanie

And he usually has to talk me down of this ledge every few months. There have been many tears shed, and compromises made. The last time we had a serious discussion about it we decided that we would start to save some money and if we had a few grand saved by this spring we could think about starting to try. Then he took a contract job, at my insistence because it would be the best thing for his career and knowing full well that it would interfere with our spring plans. 

So that contract has ended, and he has been unemployed for a month. Yesterday he accepted another 6 month contract and who knows what will happen at the end of that one. Hopefully this will lead to a well-paying, full-time, permanent position. 

I am holding my breath.

I know he loves me, but I also think that he proposed so that I would have something else to think about besides having babies. And it has worked. Now when I think about wanting to get pregnant, I remind my self that I want to be able to have a drink at my own wedding. I don't want to have morning sickness and spend the reception in the bathroom bent over the toilet. And I already bought the dress!  So, for now, I will have to settle for living vicariously through other people's blogs and have faith that D will get a permanent position at the end of this contract so that we can start trying on our wedding night.