Anger

I haven't written about this yet because I am very shameful about it.  I feel terribly guilty for feeling the way I do.

I have another pregnant cousin.

This time it's not just a close friend of the family that we call 'cousin'.  It's my actual cousin.  My mothers sisters daughter.  My Aunt also suffered from infertility and my cousins were adopted.

She is 5 years younger than me.

She is unmarried. Not that it really matters to me what comes first.  They own a house together, like D and I did before we were engaged.  I always said my engagement ring had a foundation and a roof over my head. The same thing applies to them.

She never completed any post-secondary education.  Neither did her fiancee.  Yes, he proposed when they found out they were expecting.

She smokes.

I was told on New Years Day.

Happy New Year...

Growing up, I was always very close with my cousins.  She is the same age as my sister, and her brother is a year younger than me. We spent a lot of time with them.

I always assumed that because I was the oldest of all my cousins, I would be the first one to have a baby.  I wasn't.  The youngest of us did.  And now the 2nd youngest of us is pregnant.  During the baby shower for the youngest she said to me "Who would have thought that he would be the first one to have a baby..."  I told her "I don't want to talk about it." and I thought 'At least I will be pregnant before you...'

But then I wasn't.

The only thing I feel is anger.  I do not feel happy for her.  I hope she felt like crap fighting morning sickness and nicotine fits at the same time.

I have avoided family functions when I knew she would be there.  I am sticking my head in the sand and pretending it's not happening.

But it is.

When my grandmother was cleaning out her garage she wanted one of us to take a wicker bassinet and store it for the next generation.  This was a bassinet that I had slept in as an infant.  I don't know if my sister slept in it or if my cousin did becasue they are only 9 days apart.  I took it, after all, I was going to be the first to have a baby. At the time I was the only one with a house, I was engaged, I was the only one to be completed with university, I was all set.

On Monday this week, my aunt, her mother, called me to see how I was doing.  Although she insists that she did not call to ask, at the end of the call, she asked if she could have the bassinet.

My bassinet.

The one that I was going to put my baby in.

What could I say?

No?  I'm not using it.

I won't be using it for a long time still.

It hurt.

It still hurts.

I cried for hours after I hung up.

I'm crying now.

It should be me.

It should be me.