I'm trying to go to bed early tonight because I'm still dead tired from J's awesome bachelorette on Saturday night but for some reason this time of night is when I do my best thinking and writing.
As I was getting ready for bed tonight, I discovered that I'm spotting. This probably means that my period will start tomorrow, right on time. I was told I'd get a period between 3 to 5 days after stopping the pill. Tomorrow will be 4.
Upon this discovery, I went down stairs with a big smile on my face and told D that AF was starting. This is not how I usually look when I tell him that do he was a little confused!
"Is that a good thing?" he asked.
"Yes" I said. "this could be my last period for a long time"
"I hope so" he said.
It feels wired and kinda scary to have this feeling again... Hope... Real hope.
For all we know this could actually be the first time we've ever had any chance at success. This is like our first time (hence the cheesy song title).
Hope is a pretty scary thing, but without it, we couldn't go on. A little hope is a good thing. A lot of hope is terrifying... In my experience, with infertility, the higher your hopes the farther you fall when you fail.
There are still no guaranties with IVF. This could still fail. I could still fail. There are still many hurdles to get over before we even get to transfer. I don't want to dwell on the negatives. But sometimes I have to remind myself not fly too close to the sun or I could get burned.
That glimmer is just so attractive...
That glimmer of hope.
Darling girl....no matter what happens you have NEVER failed. I know you know that, but I am sure it doesn't feel that way. I have toes, fingers crossed, wishing on stars and wedding magic that this works. Having some hope is so important lovey, but after what you have been through I can only imagine how hard it is to have any.
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