All Wrapped Up

I only worked on Monday this week and I do not go back to work until Jan 3.  In total I will have had a full 2 weeks off.

It's fantastic.

And since it's the week before christmas, I've managed to keep my self busy and have had plenty of bad, made for TV, Christmas movies to watch on TV instead of certain baby shows on TLC.

Also to pass the time I have been doing this:

Is it a little much??

The brighter side

It seems that I only write when I'm in a really bad place.  Since writing helps me get things off my chesh and release some stress, I only write when I'm low.  But I really need to write don the high points as well.  When I look back at previous posts, it's pretty depressing... and sometimes I am depressed. But I have to have a record that it's not like that all of the time.  Sometimes, like the past week, are pretty good.

I've finally found Christmas!  After listening to Christmas music for the past 3-4 weeks, they finally make me happier. Except for the Christmas Shoes - that song makes me cry like a baby!!!  I hate that song!

The weekend before last, December 10-11 was D's company Christmas party. I was still in a bad place mentally, and physically only so-so. However, it was really nice to finally put a face to the names and stories that he has been talking about.  All of the people he works with are really nice and so are their wives.  I can see us hanging out when we finally have kids (most of them already do).  I was feeling alright most of the night; still a little swollen and some cramps started around 9 so we left early.  I probably would have lasted longer but we were sitting on an ottoman so there was nothing to lean back on and I had to use my stomach muscles a little too much.

The next day was my family cookie exchange.  It was nice, but not great.  My cousin's girlfriend fiancee came with the baby and while I love that little girl, it was still hard to be around her.  Especially when punctuated by the fact that I couldn't hold her because she weighs more than 10lbs and I couldn't lift more than that because I'd had surgery because I haven't been able to get pregnant and found out during said surgery that I will never get pregnant on my own.  By this point, I was coming to the realization that I had essentially lost 2 generations of my family in one day.  My grandmother and my future children.  My head was not a good place to be.

After the cookie exchange, I came home to a christmas tree.  I think that's where I finally found Christams. D and I had been talking earlier, and since he is pretty much a scrooge, he was saying that we shouldn't have a tree this year.  I agreed.  I said I didn't feel like it was Christmas this year and I didn't want to be bothered with a tree.  Knowing that Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year, he knew something was seriously wrong if I didn't even want a tree. So in a last ditch attempt to cheer me up, he hauled up the Christmas tree, put it together and had it waiting, all lit up, for me to come home. He didn't decorate it, but that was part of my discovery of Christmas.  A few days later the tree was decorated, and I was finally in the spirit of the season.

By the following weekend, my outlook had turned around.  Even heading into the open house memorial for my grandma, I was feeling almost happy.  I was even able to enjoy the day with baby J.  We had a good time together, even though I had to explain many times that this was not my baby, and with comments like "it's so nice to have babies at this time of year" floating around the room.  It was a nice day, despite the circumstances for the gathering.

Sunday was D's family Christmas.  I had a good time there too.  There wasn't a single comment about babies or anything remotely related to fertility from any of the Aunts or Cousins like I thought there might be.  They must have been warned!

Hopefully this new attitude will continue through the next week and into the new year.

Where are you Christmas?

I've lost my Christmas spirit this year.

Last year I wrote to Santa asking him for a baby, it was the only thing I asked him for, and still... I'm childless.

I've been listening to Christmas music in the car for weeks trying to get into the spirit.  Tonight I was pulling into the driveway when Faith Hill's Where are you Christmas came on and I started bawling.

IF has already stolen so much from me and now it's stealing my favourite time of year too.

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas 

Why can't I find you 

Why have you gone away 

Where is the laughter 

You used to bring me 

Why can't I hear music play 

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

Only I still can't feel Christmas.  Maybe it's just late this year?

Bahhh, Humbug!

And the punches just keep on coming...

Yesterday I had my surgery.  It was an incredibly crappy and fucked up day.  I'm still not sure what to make of it.

I got to the hospital nice and early, about half an hour before they said to because we weren't sure what traffic would be like.  When I got there I had to fill out some forms and sit in one waiting room.  My mom and dad and D were able to sit with me there.  Then they called me into another area where they took my blood pressure, weight, temperature etc. and got changed into the hospital gown.  They had another waiting area in this room, but only D could stay with me there because there was very limited seating.  I waited there for another hour, hour and a half before being moved to yet another waiting room.

45 min later, I met with the anesthesiologist and Dr. M and was then taken to the OR. Once in the OR, I had to give my name and confirm what procedure I was there for. I then got up on the table and they inserted the IV into my hand.

Dr. M came in while the IV was still being set up and asked if I was ready. I joked around saying no, I'm not ready, I can still talk, please wait until I can't talk anymore! The anesthesiologist then inserted what he called "my lunch" into my IV and they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out.

When I woke up in recovery, I was in quite a bit of pain and was freezing cold and could not stop shaking. They brought be 3 or 4 heated blankets to warm me up and gave me a shot of morphine. After the morphine, I was still hurting so they also gave me Oxycontin. Eventually I warmed up and stopped shivering and that helped with the pain too. After about half an hour or so I was moved back into the same room I got ready in to finish recovering and D was able to be with me again.

Dr.M was supposed to come and talk to us after the surgery to let us know how it went, but instead he left me a note.  I assumed he was probably very busy, I could tell that he had back to back to back surgeries lined up all day.  When D finally opened the note I was am very upset by what it said and the fact that he didn't tell me in person.

The note said:

"Bilateral Hydrosalpinx
More on RI>Lt
Options: A) OHIP IVF; B)Corrective surgery (may loose coverage if opened but not pregnant)
Hysteroscopy done
Small septum divided"
with his email at the bottom.

D, of course didn't recognize the diagnosis, and the nurse either didn't know either or pretended not to know, but I knew what it meant right away.

Both of my tubes are blocked.

I have no chance of ever conceiving a child without IVF.

We had the nurses call for Dr. M twice while I was still recovering enough to go home, but he was in surgery and I never got to see him.  Today I sent him an email, but he has not responded yet.  I also called his clinic to book a follow up appointment that he wanted in 4 weeks, but the earliest appointment I could get is not until February 18th.  I don't even know what time it is booked for, I was so upset, I just hung up.  The longer this is left with no response from him the angrier I will be.  I was very happy with my treatment so far with him until now.  But leaving that kind of information in a note???  In my opinion, it was very unprofessional.

We left the hospital and my parents came back to our house for dinner and to stay with me while D went to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs.  My dad came up and said my mom was outside dealing with a call from work.  It wasn't until later that night that they told me the call was not work, but in fact was my aunt telling her that my grandmother had passed away.

They figured that they wouldn't burden me with that info after they day I'd already had, but then my cousin posted something on Facebook and they decided to tell me so that I wouldn't learn about it by reading it on Facebook.  I'm glad they finally told me, I think I would have been more upset if they'd successfully kept it from me for another day or two.

Physically I'm doing ok today.  The shoulder pain that was bad last night is better today and I can sit up for more than 20 min.  I still can't really use my stomach muscles to sit up on my own or get out of bed on my own, but I haven't had to take any T3's since first thing this morning.

I'm off to bed now, maybe tomorrow I can do more research on my new diagnosis, but for now i'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

One more sleep

In a little more than 12 hours I will be at the hospital getting ready for surgery.  I'm really trying not to think about the details, so I'm managing to stay pretty calm.  I have my ipod ready with a relaxation track to help me sleep if I need it.  I will post tomorrow (or maybe not till Friday if I'm too drugged when I get home) with a play-by-play of what happens when I get there.

Q & A

1. How big is my septum? 

    7mm.  Dr. M assures me this is actually quite shallow as septums are concerned.

2. Will you be able to remove it all with one surgery? 

    Absolutely

3. What is the difference between a septum and a bicornuate uterus? 

    The outside of the uterus is dipped along with the uterus in a bicornuate uterus.  

4. Is there a difference in treatment?  

    Surgery is not performed on a bicornuate uterus.

5. How do you know it's a septum and not bicornuate?  

    According to the 3D ultrasound done during the hysterosalpingram, my uterus appears normal from the outside.

6. Will you do an HSG at the same time? 

    No need, we will be doing a LAP

7. Will I see you before/after the surgery? 

    Yes, but I likely won't remember seeing him after due to the drugs.  He will bring D in and tell him everything.  Hopefully my mom too because she will be more likely to remember what he says. 

8. How long can D stay with me before the surgery? 

    This question didn't really get answered.

9. Does it matter when in my cycle the surgery is done?  

    No

10. Is there any potential that I will lose a tube or that the tubes become blocked because of the surgery?

     Definitely not!

11. What can I expect in terms of recovery? 

     I will be very groggy from the anesthesia, and maybe nauseous as well.  The nurses in recovery will give me something for the nausea. After that  I may have some abdominal tenderness "like a bruise" at the incision sites.  The incisions will be so small that they don't even require a stitch, only 5mm. I may experience some pain from the gas the insert into my abdomen to expand it so he can see.  They will try to remove as much as possible, but the gas can travel up to my shoulders and cause pain.

12. What pain killers will I be given?  

     Naproxen and Tylenol 3

13. How long will I be off work? 

     Friday.  He thinks I should be better after 1 or 2 days... I'm not so sure.

14. Will I have a balloon inserted? How long will it be there?  

     No, not for a septum as shallow as mine.

15.  Will I need to be on estrogen or progesterone after?  

     No, not for a septum as shallow as mine.

16. When will we be able to start to TTC?  

     After one complete cycle. I will likely have a period within 10 days of the surgery, and because it's so soon, he wants us to wait one full cycle after that. So, January.

17. Will any pregnancy I have after this be automatically considered high risk?  

     I didn't ask this question... I was nervous and skimming down this list.

18. What are the risks during pregnancy as a result of the surgery?  

     Same as the last question.

19. What will my first cycle after surgery be like?  

     Very heavy.  I usually have a few days of spotting before AF arrives, but he said it will likely begin suddenly and very heavy, with no warning spotting.

20. Will we do any drug treatments right away?  

     Yes, we will continue with the Femara.

21. How any timed cycles will we do before moving to IUI?  

     I didn't ask, I'm still holding out hope that I won't have to.

22. Is it possible to build up a resistance to Femara? It worked great in cycle 1, then cycle 2 was long and no ovidrel, cycle 3 was upped to 5mg and was short, cycle 4 is also at 5mg and was long. 

     I didn't ask, I chickened out.

23. From the research I've done, septum's are often associated with recurrent losses, since I have never had a pregnancy or a loss, what are my chances that this will solve my problem and actually get me pregnant?  

     I didn't ask, I chickened out.

24. In each of the 3 cycles that I did a trigger shot my period came exactly 11 days after the injection leaving me with an LP of 10 days max.  Is that long enough?  

     No it's not long enough, that's called a Luteal Phase defect.  The corpus luteum that is left behind after the egg is released from the follicle is not producing enough progesterone to prevent the lining of the uterus from shedding.

25. Should I be on a progesterone supplement after the surgery?  

     Yes, we will add that into my cycle in January.

Good bye 20's

When I was 21 and living in TO on my own I was feeling rebellious.  I had recently broken up with my high school boyfriend and was looking for ways to be sexy.  So one day I went up to the village and got a navel ring.  I'm not showing off my ring anymore like I used to in the bars in university, but I still never wanted to get rid of it.  I still wanted to hang onto that part of me... however brief that period was.

Saturday night I realized that one of two things was going to happen today.

1 - By some miracle I would be pregnant and I would eventually have to remove the ring because of my ever expanding belly.

2 - More likely, my period would show up and I would be having surgery in two and a half weeks and would have to remove the ring so that surgical instruments could be inserted through my belly button.

Either way, the result was the same.  My 20's are officially over.  I likely won't put it back in after the surgery because I'm still hoping that scenario number 1 will still happen eventually.  And after that... who wants to see a navel ring in a flabby mommy tummy anyway?

Epic Fail

All the signs are here... the cramping, spotting, headache, etc.  Aunt Flo is just around the corner.  Early I might add.  Bitch!

Four medicated cycles, all failed.

Now I'm officially moving on to the next step. Surgery.

It's scheduled for December 1.

I don't know exactly what will happen.  I don't see the Dr. for the pre-op appointment until next Monday.  I have a ton of questions for him that day.

1. How big is my septum?
2. Will you be able to remove it all with one surgery?
3. What is the difference between a septum and a bicornate uterus?
4. Is there a difference in treatment?
5. How do you know it's a septum and not bicornate?
6. Will you do an HSG at the same time?
7. Will I see you before/after the surgery?
8. How long can D stay with me before the surgery?
9. Does it matter when in my cycle the surgery is done?
10. Is there any potential that I will lose a tube or that the tubes become blocked because of the surgery?
11. What can I expect in terms of recovery?
12. What pain killers will I be given?
13. How long will I be off work?
14. Will I have a balloon inserted? How long will it be there?
15. Will I need to be on estrogen or progesterone after?
16. When will we be able to start to TTC?
17. Will any pregnancy I have after this be automatically considered high risk?
18. What are the risks during pregnancy as a result of the surgery?
19. What will my first cycle after surgery be like?
20. Will we do any drug treatments right away?
21. How any timed cycles will we do before moving to IUI?
22. Is it possible to build up a resistance to Femara? It worked great in cycle 1, then cycle 2 was long and no ovidrel, cycle 3 was upped to 5mg and was short, cycle 4 is also at 5mg and is long...
23. From the research I've done, septum's are often associated with recurrent losses, since I have never had a pregnancy or a loss, what are my chances that this will solve my problem and actually get me pregnant?
24. In each of the 3 cycles that I did a trigger shot my period came exactly 11 days after the injection leaving me with an LP of 10 days max.  Is that long enough?  Should I be on a progesterone supplement after the surgery?

When I have some answers to these questions, I will come back and share them.

For now, I'm catching up on the Twilight Saga in preparation for Breaking Dawn on Friday!

Not so good

Today is one of those days.

It's been one of those days since since last Tuesday.

I was on vacation at the cottage with T&M and I had a FC appointment on Wednesday morning.  We decided to leave the cottage on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning as originally planned.  Let me revise that, I had originally planned to spend the whole week at the cottage but then my period came early and my FC appointments ended up smack dab in the middle of my vacation.  Almost as soon as the decision to leave was made I started bawling.

The vacation to the cottage was filled with so many emotions and they all came to the surface at the same time.

It was at that moment that I realized the irony of my situation.

I should not have to cut my vacation short to go to a fertility clinic.  I should have been spending the week at the place where I spent my childhood with my child.  I should have a child.

I should have been up there dipping their little feet in the lake.

Playing in the park. In the sand.

Instead I was trying to convince two grown women that the water was warm enough for swimming and then being stuck with needles and violated by ultrasound wands.

Since then my emotions have been simmering just under the surface.  Under my mask.  A mask that's about to crack with the slightest pressure.

While I was on vacation, my work instituted an Employee Assistance Program.  Good timing, I think I am going to need this very soon.

Inverhuron, 4 days

August 14, 2011

August 20, 2011

August 28, 2011

August 29, 2011

No.

I can't tell you how much **fun** it is to get your period while staying at your aunts house on the beach.
FML

A peak inside the mind of a crazy person... a.k.a me

Am I pregnant yet??  When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??  Do you think I could be pregnant yet??   Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Is there any chance that I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? How long does the Ovidrel stay in my system so that I can test to find out if I am pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? When can I test to find out if I'm pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Do I have any symptoms of being pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet?? Am I pregnant yet??

Remind me.... what is that definition of insanity??


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.



Isn't that what I have been doing for the last 17 months?
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex. Pregnant? No.
Sex... you get the idea.

The idea that I'm a crazy person?  Yep, you got it.

So tired

I am exhausted.

But happy.

On Thursday last week I went for my first monitoring appointment to see how things were progressing. They wanted me to come back on Saturday. On Saturday they wanted me to come back on Sunday... then Monday... then Tuesday... Today the said that I should book an appointment for Wednesday but I more than likely wouldn't need it; they would probably be calling me today to take the Ovidrel injection.

Waiting for that phone call was difficult. I was so tired today that I told D if they want me back tomorrow, he was going to have to drive me in because I was falling asleep at the wheel this morning.

Finally, they called me after lunch and told me I could do the injection this evening and then starting tonight "have intercourse for the next two to three days".

Yes, I was instructed to have sex.

Slightly humiliating. Like we weren't trying that step before...

When I got home from work, I had a nap! Then just before dinner I gathered all of my supplies and prepared myself for the injection. I was a little nervous, but the thought that this could be what I need to finally get pregnant got me through it.

It didn't hurt that much, a little pinch was all. It felt tender around the injection point for about half an hour or so and I had a small red bump. Now, 3 hours later, I have to look really hard to find the little red dot, the bump is gone and it's not tender any more.

Now I don't have to go back to the clinic for two weeks. That's when they want to do a pregnancy test.

Well, I'm off to bed now to do as I have been told; get busy!!

Blood, drugs and other nasty surprises

Fucking Aunt Flo found me on Wednesday last week.  Another cycle down and still no bean.  Almost to drive home the point that "No! you are not pregnant!", she arrived 3 days early.  I didn't even get to the point where I could wonder if we had a chance before it was suddenly there.  I say suddenly, but in actuality it came on pretty gradually; I was spotting for 3 days before her arrival - I was just choosing to ignore all the signs.  It's funny what infertility does to you... how many things you can be blind to.

As much as I hate it when AF comes to visit,  I welcomed her this month.  I welcomed her because this month I FINALLY get to start to do something that might actually increase our chances.  I finally get to do something!  In a situation that is so totally out of your hands it feels amazing to finally get to do something about it.

And her coming 3 days early?  That actually turned out to be perfect because it meant I could go to the clinic on Friday instead of the holiday Monday (I didn't even know if they were open on Monday) and going on Friday meant that I could go to the clinic I like.  Only the main clinic is open on the weekend, but I like the smaller satellite clinic that is closer to me.

On Friday I had my day 3 appointment.  It was at 7:10 am and it was an hour away and I needed to have a full bladder.  Good times.  I had my blood work done then had the pelvic u/s and then was finally allowed to go to the bathroom, and then I had the internal u/s.  My old friend the transvaginal wand, oh how I loathe thee.

After that I got to pick up my drugs!  Well almost, the pharmacy that they sent my script to didn't open until 9 am... grrr... If I had known that, I would have either a) had them send the script to a pharmacy in my town, or b) made my appointment later in the morning.  Now I was stuck waiting around for over an hour until they opened.  So I got a coffee and went to Walmart (it was the only store open before 9 am).

I got back to the pharmacy just after nine and picked up my drugs.  2.5mg Letrozol (Femara) once daily for five days; day 3 through 7.  I was also given another drug called Ovidrel.  I wasn't expecting this one.  The nurse mentioned something about something that needed to be refrigerated, but  I couldn't hear her properly on my cell, she also had a fairly thick accent, so the combination was brutal.  Anyway, Ovidrel is a shot of hCG (human chorionic gonadotrophin), a hormone normally produced to initiate ovulation. A variant of hCG is also produced during pregnancy.  This is what ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and home pregnancy tests test for.

Ovidrel is an injection.

I was not prepared for this.  I'm nervous for when I have to take it.  Luckily that will be next week some time so for now I can put on those infertility blinders that I wear so often, and just not think about it for now.  I have to go in again next Thursday (CD9) to see how things are progressing.  They will give me instruction then on how and when to take the Ovidrel.

I'm on the second day of Femara right now and so far so good.  I'm not having many side effects, aside from a couple headaches, but those really can't be traced back to the Femara since I get headaches all the time anyway.

I am scared.  I am scared because my hopes are up too high this month.  The higher my hopes are, the harder I fall and I'm afraid of falling.  Luckily my cottage vacation will be there to soften the landing.  With it's sunny beaches and good friends and alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.

Just to top off my amazing week... my cousins girlfriend (ya that one he knocked up after a couple months of dating) gave birth to a little girl last night.  I know jelaosy is ugly, but so is infertility.  And I am sooooooo jealous, so what does that make me?  I don't care.  I know it's bad, but I was really hoping that they would have a boy.  If I couldn't have the first baby, I at least wanted to have the first girl, and they got that too.  This sucks!

And in other totally non baby related news... I bought myself an ereader yesterday!  I'm having so much fun with it and it will be awesome for the cottage when I am on vacation in a couple of weeks.  A vacation I was looking more forward to before T became pregnant... there I go with the jealousy again... it's too bad those infertility blinders didn't work for stuff like that!

Heartfelt Congratulations

Good things
should come
to good people
like you.

Dear T,

I want you to know how truly happy I am for you. I know how hard it was for you to tell me that you were expecting and it saddens me that having to do that put a damper on such exciting news. You should not feel anything but the happy anticipation that comes with being pregnant, not worrying how that news will effect me.

You have been so supportive this past year while I have struggled with my own fertility and it I don't think I could have got through it without your ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. I hope you know that I will be there for you when you need me too.

I am looking forward to making your baby all sorts of handmade blankets and onsies and burp cloths.  I look forward to helping you decorate the nursery and shopping for baby things and baking cupcakes for your baby shower.  I'm still hoping that we will both be able to do these things together, but even if that doesn't work out, I am still excited to do them for you just the same.  Maybe I'll end up with a bunch of hand-me-downs when it's finally my turn?

I love you and wish you a happy and healthy 9 months.

Not So Wise

I knew this was coming

but it still hurt.

Not as much as I expected, but I still cried for close to an hour when I got home.

My very close friend T is pregnant.

I am not psychic, but I had a good feeling for her since before she started trying.  I even told our friend M that I thought this would come easy for her.  And it did. They were successful on their very first try.

Everyday T, M and I go for coffee at morning break.  Everyday we all get a large flavoured coffee.  The only exception to this rule is when they have Irish cream as the flavour, T hates that one.  Then one day last week, T ordered milk.  Milk on our coffee break.  That was when I knew.  Last week she ordered milk and yesterday she ordered yogurt.  So when we went to the gym today after work, and we were packing up to go home, and she said "I have something to tell you...", I was able to finish her sentence with "you're pregnant!"

And then she told me she was sorry.

She should not feel sorry that something wonderful has happened in her life.  She should feel nothing but happiness!  And yet there she was, telling me she was sorry and crying about having to tell me her good news.

She has been very supportive through my journey so far and helped me through every rough patch and I love her to death.  I think telling me was the hardest thing she has had to do so far.  I feel terrible that her happy news made her cry as she told me.  I was doing ok until she started crying!  Even then, I didn't actually let one tear fall until I was out of her sight.

I told D on the weekend that I thought T was pregnant.  I wanted to warn him that I would likely be upset - SO incredibly happy for her - but still sad for me and jealous.  It's a very strange mix of emotions that I am trying to get a handle on.  I have until tomorrow to get my happy face back on.

One spot of sunshine is that if our first medicated cycle is successful, we would be on mat leave together.  That would be so awesome to go through pregnancy and mat leave together.

M is also trying to get pregnant.  She has been trying off and on for about 6 mo now.  There is a very real possibility that the three of us could be on mat leave at the same time.  I think that just might force our boss into early retirement!  He is already freaking out that we are all taking vacation at the same time... and that is only for 3 days!  I just hope I'm not the last one of us to tell him...  I don't want to be the one responsible for his heart attack!

The results are in... (again)

Today we had an appointment with the Dr. to go over the results of the cycle monitoring and tests that were done last moth.  This appointment was originally scheduled for August 8th but was moved up when there was a cancellation!  I have been looking forward to this all weekend so naturally, this weekend went by sooooo slowly!  Normally I love weekends that seem to last forever, but not this time.

He started the meeting off with the good news... D's swimmers look good.  He didn't go into specifics, but did mention that his count was 38 million.  He also said that my tubes were open, but that i have a heart shaped uterus.  The heart shape may or may not have an effect on our fertility.  The shape can make implantation more difficult and can be the cause of early miscarriages.  The last thing he talked about was my ovulation.  The good news is that I ovulate, but it's late.  The long follicular phase can decrease fertility and increase miscarriages.

So what's the plan Stan?

Well, since the shape of the uterus may not have any effect, he is first going to treat the late ovulation.  If that doesn't work within 3 months, he will do surgery to correct the heart shape and remove any possible endometriosis.

I currently ovulate around CD19 or 20, which is late, but not incredibly late.  The drug he is prescribing is called Letrozole.   I will begin taking it on the 3rd day of my next cycle for 5 days.  This should make me ovulate between day 11 and 15.  He also mentioned that this should correct some of the other hormone related issues that I have, like acne, which would be awesome!

A baby and no acne - heaven!!!

Impressed

I had every intention of writing down every step of my IF journey for many reasons. First, it helps me sort through what is going on and gives me an outlet to vent and talk about it. Second, if there was someone I knew that was going through something similar I could direct them here and maybe they would know they are not alone. Alas, that didn't happen. That's not to say that this journey is over because it's not, not by far!!!

The pain I experienced in May tapered off the next day and eventually disappeared. I still do not know what caused it.

So what has been going on you ask?

I called in my CD1 on May 25 to schedule my CD3 blood work and U/S. CD3 also happened to be my friend T's wedding which I was baking 144 cupcakes for. Needless to say that was a busy day! They took soooooo much blood on that first visit. Something like 8 or 10 vials! The U/S took a little while, because they were establishing a baseline that all of the other ones would be measured against. They did both a regular pelvic and an internal U/S at this appointment, but it would be the only time I would need a full bladder. Awesome! I think that is the worst part of U/S's - having to fill your bladder and hold it FOREVER!!!

After that initial appointment, they only took a single vial of blood for the BW and did an internal US. These appointments were so incredibly quick! I was very impressed at how efficient they ran things. There were some mornings that I was in and out in 5 min! Initially they told me that I would go in every other day until I got close to O and at that point I would have to come in every day. I ended up going in on CD5, CD7, CD9, CD11, CD13, CD15, CD17 and CD20.

For the last 5 or 6 months I have O'd on or around CD19, so I expected them to tell me on CD17 to start to come in everyday. Instead they inform me that all of my follicles are still small but my BW shows that I am surging. They said that due to the surge combined with small follicles, I may or may not ovulate over the next 3 days but that either way, they didn't want to see me until Monday (CD20). On Monday they would know if I had ovulated or not. Then the following Monday (7DPO) would be my last appointment until I met with the Dr. on August 8th.

Because I chart my temperatures, I can see that it appears that I did, in fact, O on CD20 but I don't know what it means if all of my follicles were really small. Did I release an immature egg? Is it possible that I didn't ovulate but still had a temperature shift? Has this been happening all along? Is there a solution for this? Will clomid work? I guess I will have to wait to see the Dr. to find out the answers.

D also had a test to do and boy was that fun - ya, not really. Because he didn't want to take time off work to complete the test, we made the appointment for a Saturday. This meant that we would have to take the sample into the Mississauga clinic.  The sample is only viable for 1 hour after it is collected and we live about 45 min from the Mississauga clinic.  Or so we thought.  Apparently when you account for taking a short long cut, we live 1 hr away from the Mississauga clinic.  The sample arrived at the lab about 10 min past when it should have.  The lab tech said it would still be fine.  I hope so, or next time he is going to have to find a really nice public washroom and a good magazine!

I was very much dreading this next month... more WAITING!!! This whole IF process is nothing if not a lesson in patience. I asked to be put on a cancellation list but didn't really think that we would get an earlier appointment. I was really hoping that we could at least get something 1 or 2 weeks earlier so that i wouldn't have to wait until the start of my NEXT cycle at the end of August to begin a treatment in September. September just sounded soooooo far away.

Out of the blue this afternoon I got a call from the clinic... they have had a cancellation and want to know if I want the appointment. I asked when it was and expected them to tell me it was for August 1st or something equally far away, but nope - it's for Monday!!!! as in,this Monday! meaning in 4 days! I confirmed with D that he could get the time off, and we are good to go! i have been in such a good mood after finding that out :) which is a really good thing because I have been pretty down since the weekend when we held a baby shower for my youngest cousing who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend. Can you feel the bitterness oozing out of that last sentence? That's a separate post altogether... back to happy!! I might get some answers on Monday!

I've never looked forward to the Monday after a long weekend before. It just feels so wrong!

A lot has been going on in the last few days and I don't really know what to make of it. It started Friday with my first FC consultation. I was a little impressed since we had been told that he is always running late that we only had to wait about 1/2 hour. He didn't really tell me anything I didn't know already, but it was a good anatomy lesson for D. He didn't do any tests that day because I answered the questions with "normal" answers. He ordered a SA for DH and told me to call in my CD1 to schedule my CD3 bloodwork and HSG.

When we got home, D suggested a quickie because I was still in my fertile window. That was the first time ever that sex was painful. I didn't think much of it, but then on Saturday my lower abdomen started to hurt when I moved. By saturday night I was in constant pain and considering the ER. I took a tylenol and a gravol and went to bed to see how I would do overnight. Sunday morning was a little worse so I called telehealth and they told me to go to a Dr within 4 hours so I went to the walk-in clinic because I didn't feel like spending my entire Sunday in the waiting room of the ER.

The Dr. at the clinic looked at my recent ultrasound results and pretty much just said "yep, you have endometriosis, and you will probably be in pain from time to time and you need to learn how to deal with it, do you want a script for pain meds?" I told her that I had just O'd on Thurs or Fri and wasn't comfortable taking prescription pain meds right now. "well, then there's not uch I can do. If it get suddenly worse or you develop a fever, go to the ER."

So that is exactly what I did on Monday, I called in sick and spent 8hrs in the ER and still wasn't any closer to answers. However, I was in more pain from all the poking around. The hospital did some bloodwork and a pap and ordered another ultrasound for Tuesday. My white bloodcell count was slightly high so they think I have an infection of some kind but they don't know what. The Dr. threw around that it could be Pelvic Inflammatory Disease but he was not willing to rule out appendicitis.

I had the ultrasound yesterday and I had to go back through the ER to get the results. It wasn't as busy, it only took 4 hours instead of 8, so that wasn't as bad... but They still could not determine what the pain is!!!! The only reason I'm not extremely pissed and going to yet another hospital for answers, is that I started to feel better yesterday. I'm in no way feeling normal, but better than Monday and hoping that this is a trend that will continue.

I feel about the same today as I did yesterday and I was able to go to work, but I just I didn't do too much, and I didn't go to any sites. I told my boss that if there was something that I had to do out at the buildings, I would have to have help from someone and he was happy with that.

If I feel the same tomorrow and haven't heard back from the FC, I will head to Hamilton on Friday and not leave without real answers.

The results are in...

Today was my appointment with Dr. F to review the results of my Surprise! ultrasound. They were almost what I expected, except I thought I'd have cysts on both ovaries since I have had pain on my left side recently. But my left side looks fine.

I have 2 cysts on my right ovary.  One is a simple cyst, meaning that it is fluid filled. These are normal and usually develop during ovulation starting as follicles. Normally these will go away on their own.The other is a hemorrhagic cyst, beaning that it is blood filled. These would usually occur in women with endometriosis. I have suspected for years that I have endo so this doesn't surprise me.

I have a follow up ultrasound on May 4 so see if they have changed.  I don't know what would happen next if they haven't changed. But my FC appointment is 1 week after that.

Dr. F also mentioned that my uterus is retroflexed.  I had to wait until I got home tonight to find out what that means. Essentially it is a tilted uterus.

On their own, endometriosis or a tilted uterus may not interfere with fertility. However my Aunt had both and was never able to conceive.  Now, treatments have advanced over the last 30 years so I am still hopeful, but doubtful that we can do this without intervention.

I am more frustrated than anything… I have had suspicions about endometriosis for years and have been worried that it would interfere with fertility when the time came… and no Dr had been willing to do anything or look into it until it actually did cause problems… even though I am obviously in pain every month, they didn’t seem to care about the pain, and just gave me drugs to deal with the symptoms, not treat the problem.

Surprise!

I had my ultrasound today. I still don't know anything, the technicians won't tell you anything so I have to wait to see my Dr. once she gets the report.

Today was also Yoga Day!  Every Wednesday at lunch a woman from my work runs a yoga class at the gym.  It's a great way to relax and forget all my worries even if it's only for 40 min once a week.  I treasure this time and look forward to it each week.  Right after Yoga I had to start drinking my 1L of water to prepare for the u/s.

It was torture.

Every time a took a big drink of water I would look at the bottle and wonder why there was still so much left! It was driving me nuts!  It probably would have been easier if I had been even a little bit thirsty.  I had to finish the 1L of water at least 1 hour before my appointment.  I started to get really worried when after my first two drinks of water, I already had to pee... With about 2 minutes to go, I was trying to chug my water and type an email at the same time using one hand to hold the giant water bottle and the other to type.

Once at the lab, they were true to their word and didn't keep me waiting with an extremely uncomfortably full bladder too long.  I was taken to a tiny change room, smaller than a clothing store change room, and told to take off my pants and underwear and put on the robe. I then went to the ultrasound room.

As I getting on the table, the tech casually mentions that it is their standard with all pelvic ultrasounds to also do a trans-vaginal ultrasound.

Yep.

"Oh, by the way, we are going to get real personal this afternoon..."

Surprise!

The pelvic ultrasound went by really quickly and painlessly.  Even with her pushing on my very full bladder, it wasn't bad.  Thankfully, they don't have to do the trans-vag with a full bladder so I was allowed to go to the washroom first.

"Now, the instrument" (Yes she called it the instrument) "only has to be inserted about *this* far. So don't be scared by how big it is"

Doesn't this sound like fun so far?

Then she lubes it up and asks me to insert it.  Yes, because that will make this so much more comfortable, if you have me do that part. I mean, it's not like you will be moving it around inside me for the next 10 minutes.

It felt like it took forever.  But when I got back in my car, I had only been in there for about 30 minutes all together including changing time and going to the washroom.

Hopefully my Doctor will call me soon with the results.  She seemed to be taking a lot of images.  I wonder if that is because there was something to there to take images of, or if they normally take that many.

Part of me wants there to be something there.  Some sort of explanation that can be treated and dealt with.

I will keep you posted when I hear something.

Fun while it lasted...

Wow, a whole 7 days without spotting.

Just long enough for me to get my hopes up that it had stopped for good.  But no.

I guess it 's a good thing I still have that ultrasound on the 30th.

Even though I know how slim our chances were this month... what with only trying once between when the spotting stopped and when I ovulated - and that was the day I ovulated... it's still deflating to see the spotting.  I didn't really realize how high my hopes were until they were dashed.

If I'm truly honest with myself, I still have a spark of hope.  It's not over till it's over.

And if my logical side is truly honest with myself, it never really started.

You Have Two New Messages

Every day for the last 2 weeks I have come home from work and checked my phone to see if the fertility clinic has called me for my initial appointment.  Of course, the one night I didn't was the day they called.  I got the call on Monday, but didn't get the message until Tuesday after work.  I was a little disappointed in that the message only said "Hi, this is Dr. M's office, please call to set up your initial consultation." So I had to wait an entire day (well, evening and overnight) until their office opened again this morning before I could find out what day my appointment was.  It nearly killed me.

My appointment is May 13th.  Two months from now.

More waiting.

Story of my life.

It could be worse though, I have heard horror stories about people waiting close to 9 months to get into a clinic so I count my self lucky that it's only 2 months.

During these last two weeks of waiting I also have been in to see my GP again.  I finally made the call to go see her again, only 6 days after seeing her for the blood work results, because my period had not stopped.  By this time I was going on day 16! That's at least 12 days longer than the average woman's menstruation.  But it was mostly spotting, I had been spotting since about day 8, and when I saw her on day 10, I figured it HAD to be almost done so I didn't bring it up.

Since January I have had more spotting, both before and after AF, than I ever have before.  This month was a little different because it was accompanied by discomfort on my left side only.  I normally get mega cramps with AF, but I noticed this month they were almost all on the left side.  I thought it might be a cyst so I wanted to have it looked at.

My GP agreed that it could be a cyst and ordered an ultrasound.  The ultrasound is on March 30th.

Waiting (the magic word).

Now, following Murphy's Law, the spotting stopped 2 days later.  I still have little twinges on my left side so I think there is still something there, but maybe it will go away on it's own.

They do that sometimes... just to screw with you.

They also sometimes have hair or teeth in them... wouldn't that be freaky?  To have a tooth growing on your ovary?

Brings a whole new meaning to "Don't worry, I don't bite..."

Yesterday

I went to the the Doctor's yesterday to talk to her about the tests she ordered a couple of weeks ago and to request a referral to a gynecologist or a fertility clinic. She had already sent a referral to a gynecologist for me last week, so she only went over my test results.  


Everything looked fine except my progesterone was a little low.  The normal range for a non-pregnant female at Mid-Luteal is 16.4 - 59.0.  Mine was 10.2.  She didn't really seem worried about that though.  She said "it's not above the 16.4, but it is above 10, soooo...."  What does that mean? It's not normal, but it's more than half-way to normal!  I'm glad that I got the printed results, now I can take it to my naturalpath tomorrow and show them to her and maybe there is something she can do to help with the low progesterone.


The tests my family Doctor did were only a small portion of the tests that need to be done.  And D has to be tested too.  She said that the GYN would order the tests for him.  I was trying to get an idea from her when I might expect an appointment with the GYN and she didn't really know.  I got the feeling that she knew it was going to be a long wait, but didn't want to say anything.  When I pushed, she did get me their phone number and also the phone number of Fertility Clinics that she could refer me to if I wanted.  She suggested that I call some clinics and find one I wanted to work with then give her a call back and she would send the referral.  


I still had a while before I had to be back at the office so I called the GYN to find out the status of my referral and to see if they had an idea of when my appointment would be. Ya, they hadn't even looked at my referral yet and probably wouldn't for another 3 weeks and my appointment likely wouldn't be until August.  I was so upset when I heard that.  I was next to tears all afternoon.  


I spend some time researching the clinics that she gave me.  Most of them were in Mississauga/Brampton/Burlington, and when going through treatments I will likely have to go in every morning for a couple weeks each cycle for monitoring so going to most of them would be difficult.  But one of them has a satellite clinic in Milton; still 1/2 hr away, but doable.  I called them this morning and they are booking for April!  Much, much sooner than August!  So my Dr. was going to fax the referral right away.  


So that's were we are right now, waiting to find out when that appointment is.  It will probably still be a little while after that initial appointment before we can start any treatments, but I finally feel like we are getting somewhere.

A year in review...

Over the last 12 months I probably could have wrote 3 identical posts over and over and over again about.... well... 12 times, and they would go something like this:

My Period started today.  This month will be our month.  It would be so perfect!  because If I got pregnant this cycle I could announce my pregnance to my family at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here.  Then I could announce to everyone else in a really fun way at H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here.  And my due date would be really close to H's Birthday/Easter/My birthday/Father's Day/Canada day/Our anniversary/Thanksgiving/Christmas/insert any special occasion here.  I just have to wait for Aunt Flo (AF) to be over and then we can get this party started!

I will probably ovulate (O) today or tomorrow.  I have had lots of EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) and I can just tell that it's coming.  We didn't BD (baby dance) as much as I would like this month because it's really hard to time things around when D is home for the weekend or because D wasn't feeling well.  But the times that we did it, we had good timing and that's what matters.  There are lot of people who only have sex once in their fertile window and get pregnant... hopefully that will happen to us as well.

AF is on her way.  I have all the tell tale signs... bloating, cramping, sore breasts, irritability, headache, spotting.  It's just a matter of time now before it starts.  Damn! I really thought we had it this month.  I have to stop getting my hopes up so high each month so that I don't have so far to fall when fucking AF shows up.  Not only does she knock me down just by showing up, but she kicks me while I'm on the ground with her massive cramping and lasting forever!  FUCK HER! She can go to hell.  This sucks.  Why me?

So that was the monthly roller coaster ride that I have been on for the last year.

I'm not sure what this year will bring for us, but hopefully there will be more to this monotony.  Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment to get the fertility clinic ball rolling.  I plan to write about my journey with the clinic in the hopes that anyone else going through the same thing will not feel as alone as I do.  I will not mask any emotions here, even if they don't seem appropriate to anyone else, they are strong and what I feel at the time.  For example:  My 'cousin' (close family friend) announced that he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant.  I found out on New Years Eve. After-words, I bawled, changed in my PJ's and sulked the rest of the night away.  Worst. New Years. Ever.  I will try and be happy for those who get pregnant while I am still trying, but I will be sad for my self.  And that's ok. But be warned, it won't be pretty.